Open Letter to the 5th Graders

Dear 5th grade class-

Recently, I got the opportunity to sub for you. Granted, I only had you for about an hour before I was able to get rid of you let you go.

Either way, you read me, my facial expressions or my actions before you entered the room. You could tell I was not feeling like dealing with you. You could tell that I couldn't wait for your class to be over. You could tell I was unhappy that you were coming in. You could tell I was inwardly looking for my happy place.

At one point during the class, I heard one of you say to another, " I think she hates us". The words on a surface level may have been true that day. I stood slightly unsure as to what to do next.

I thought about it on and off through the rest of the day. Did I hate you? Was I that mean? Was I that transparent?

No, I don't hate you. I actually like you. I try to love you the way that I claim Jesus loves me, but I fail miserably. The truth is that I do like you. I think you are smart and funny. I like having conversations with you. I like that you still seem a little like a child rather than a grown up. You still want to be cared for, wanted, loved. I like you.

I hate the way you act. I hate that you feel the need to act that way. I hate that you think in order to get by in the world, you feel like you need to be strong and hard. I hate that you think you need to put others down because you don't want people to see how hurt you are. I hate that someone has thought less of you. I hate that they don't believe that you can succeed. I hate that they "treat" you as adults but then punish you like children. I hate that education has failed you. I hate that you hate learning. Maybe you don't hate it- you just don't see the value in it. I hate that your teachers claim to be Christians but treat you in a way that is ungodly. They want to show love- but forget that God is holy. I hate that they have not explained to you why there are rules and why when you do not follow them there are consequences. I hate that I to have failed. I am older than you. Instead of being a generation who not only works for things, but who is also grateful for what they have received- my generation is whiny. We have passed that onto you. I hate that. I have not taught you that the rewards are only when you work hard. Instead, we have somehow bought into the lie that a better life should mean no work at all. We have lied to you and I hate that.

I will continue to be your substitute. Because I do believe that there is a better plan for your life. I believe that it will not be easy. I believe that there are eternal rewards. I believe that God has called me to be faithful. I believe he has called me to not only love you but to be fair and to show you want love means. Not only to treat you with kindness but to also treat you with fairness that may not seem fair. To treat you with grace even if you do not recognize it. I will probably fail . But I will try. Because I don't hate you.

And neither does He.

Reflections

It has been a crazy last week between Christmas and New Year's then jumping right back into work.

Like so many others, I have been reflecting on the last year. 2011 and all that happened.

Lets see
*I went to work for the NAMB for the summer in California.
*I switched degree programs to graduate sooner.
*I thought was staying with the NAMB through the fall. That didn't happen.
*Instead I moved back home.
*I thought I would be moving to Thailand- first in November, then in June. That's most likely not happening.
*I registered for the last semester of Seminary.
*I got a job..... or rather a few.
*I witnessed God's faithfulness. In my friends, in my family, in my own life.

2011 may not have been the best or the worst year. I have hopes that 2012 will be better but I am not entirely sure what it will be better as? Better that serving in California, getting my but kicked in ministry, being humbled and God proving to be bigger than I imagined? Better than coming home feeling slightly or rather not so slightly irritated with various things only to find that God have provided over and over? Better than the humiliating times when I made some big mistakes and watching God fix them in his own time making me trust him more?

No 2011 was not great. But it wasn't bad. It was just like every other year. A year of changes. A year of trials. A year of blessing and seasons.

2012 will hold my graduation with a Master's degree. A cross cultural counseling paper that may or may not be the death of me as I crawl across the finish line (probably not without a little whining to my friends and the text messages that hold the same question every semester- why am I in seminary again?). A cross cultural move. Many unknown adventures in teaching and traveling. Many new opportunities for ministry and serving others. Difficult decisions. Trials. Triumphs. Laughter. Joy. Tears. Heart break. Love.

But 2012 is so much bigger than that. It is about a never changing, always good and great, faithful and just Friend. And I am really thankful because despite the changes of 2012....

He never does.

Open letter to a church pastor (and loud church members)

Dear pastor of a local church and the vocal church member who ate lunch two tables down from us-

A couple of weeks ago I visited the college and career/singles class on Sunday morning. I wanted to let you know that I walked away feeling discouraged and unwanted. I had to work that day so I could not attend my own fellowship and decided to sit in to see if it would be something that I would be interested in coming too given that my church does not have a strong single ministry. I walked away without anyone welcoming me, without anyone pointing me in the direction that I needed to go, without sharing my name. I realize that some fault may be mine and I need to be braver, however, I was disappointed that no one seemed to want to get to know the new face in the class. I did not even get greeted- I sat for an HOUR in the class alone at a table and no one spoke to me or offered to take me to coffee much less lunch. You call yourselves Southerners? I got squat. I know I put on deodorant that day!. I am just unsure that as a church who seems to take pride in their outreach, that an outsider could feel that alone.

Recently, my family and I went to at a local restaurant after church on Sunday. We sat down and I recognized the Sunday School teacher as the same person who taught the class I attended (at least I think it was same person. I was not invited to share my information with the Sunday School teachers so I have no idea who they were). Anyway, I recognized him and as we were eating lunch the loud conversation caught our attention-especially given that the restaurant was fairly empty and I am sure the wait staff and kitchen could hear their conversation . They were discussing the pastor's recent award (not in a good light), salaries of the staff (which we believed to be pennies) and the overall disappointment that their church (enter Rent song: How do you measure, measure your ministry?) is paying their pastors so much when they do not see the "fruit" of these pastors work- specifically the word they used was "productivity". SIDEBAR: How productive are you really at work, you solitaire player? (Disclaimer: this is all well and fine as within the right context; however not okay to discuss it loud and publicly). They specifically mentioned a pastor which caught our ears and my dad finally went over, introduced himself and politely, yet subtly, asked them to lower their voices.

It convicted us- my mom, dad and I- as sometimes we all get caught talking about things we shouldn't. But it hurt our view of your church,as we live close and it might be a church that we would visit in the event that we ever left our own.

I wanted you to know that while I am a big fan of your pastoral staff, some of your church members have made it difficult to see myself coming back. Please know that I am praying for you as a staff, that you will have wisdom and for the body of Christ to see themselves as what they are. Sinners, Saints, Ministers and Sharers of the Gospel... even at a local restaurant.

Stephanie Windon

Light to my path

I have been back on the east coast for the last month. And what a month.

It's been a little strange. Moving back in with my family. Going to my "home" church. Searching for a job. All with the mindset that it will be temporary.

But in all honesty, I am a little nervous that the things that I want to happen won't actually happen. Maybe I won't go overseas. Maybe I won't finish school in May.

Its the "maybe's" the kill me. They drive me nuts and I find myself in a state of panic over what may happen in the next year. Yes that's right. The next YEAR.

During my sessions with Cristy, I remember her telling me Psalm 119:105 a lot. I remember her saying that a lamp doesn't shine very far. Instead, it only lights the step ahead of us. Frustrating as it is, that's all I can see right now.... what is in front of me. I can not see or make sense of my future.

With this comes several things that I should do but that I don't want to do. One of those things is committing to serving where I am. It would be easy to float through the next year as a visitor and not really serve. Instead, God has planted me in a church with needs and in a place where I could be encouraging to those who are there. It is a church that has been home for several years and has never ceased to amaze me with its generosity, love and support of God's calling on my life. After tasting the community that I had at Southeastern and the Summit, this church proves to be a challenge.

We are all sponges. Every last one of us- whether we like it or not. We absorb things that are around us: passions, hang-ups, attitudes, mannerisms, habits, pains, joys- and these are the things that come out when life squeezes us unexpectedly. You are what you eat. But more specifically, you are what you absorb.

And fortunately, we have some serious say in what we absorb.

Let me tell you a little about the people who were in my community both at the Summit and in Asia. They are people I admire. People who are passionate and life-giving. People who have traveled and sacrificed their comfort for something bigger than themselves. People who aren't just dreamers but doers. They are people who think about the things they are passionate about instead of thinking about themselves. And they are people who are a mess, just like me. But it is because of these people I have changed.

What I have found is that freedom comes through relationship.

The people in my community now are a little older. A little wiser. A little less like me. It is an adjustment to say the least.

However, I am hoping to absorb maybe just a little bit of their calmness. Of their faithfulness. Of their belief in a faithful God. Of their daily walk and that it is what it is. A walk. A steady, daily walk where they take things day by day. And perhaps I will come to find that they are just as messed up redeemed as those in delightful people I was blessed to be around- who now cover the globe.

I may or may not be going back overseas in June. I can't see that far ahead. But what I can see is opportunities for witnessing God's faithfulness and finding new freedom in the relationships that he has placed around me. And in this new community, I may be able to find that when life does changes and my future is here, I will not be looking ahead, but remembering it is simply walking. One foot in front of the other.

Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. Psalm 119:105

Unimpressed

Despite being in California all summer, I recently had the opportunity to read and review Left at the Altar: My Story of Hope and Healing for Every Woman Who Has Felt the Heartbreak of Rejection. 


Being in counseling classes the last year, I expected so much from this book. I expected her to be encouraging and meaningful. I expected to hear her story but also hear how God was glorified. Instead, I thought don't waste your time. The story is about Kimberly, who's fiance leaves her the day before her wedding. The book actually starts out decently telling about the events of the break up. And then it quickly goes down hill. The author starts talking about the seven stages of grief and it feels more like a school text book than an inspiring story of any kind.

The redeeming quality of the book was She wraps up her book with some feedback from men regarding their perspective on why they rejected women they were in relationships with. This information may surprise you.


I received this book from BookSneeze.com and was under no obligation to give it a good review. 

Happenings

I keep sitting down to write something and then my name gets called or I am pulled away to do something different.

This summer has been crazy. I don't even know where to start. So here are a few of the things I have done this summer:
*Camp- which was insane. It was cold and wet the first couple of days then turned hot. I was not prepared. At all.
 *VBS- Its all about New York City and it makes me miss that city and those who live around it so much. I have amazing memories of NYC and am hoping that when I go visit my best friend, we will be able to see the city again.
*Host Homes- Living out of a suitcase is more annoying than I thought it would be. My host homes however have been fantastic. Very loving, very concerned and very open to whatever it is that I may or may not need.
*Having only one partner- again more annoying than I thought it would be. I wish there was more of us to share the workload.
*Spending the day in San Francisco- what an incredible city. It is so beautiful and so unique. I wish I could have spent more time there. My heart broke for the people there and the need that I saw. Words can not describe how much I feel in love with this city....
*Spending time with other believers- I feel like I have learned so much this summer. Part of the reason why I fell in love with my small group in North Raleigh was because they followed the Bible. I see people out here trying to. I can sit and tell them what I would do or try to give them a seminary response, the fact is these people want to follow Jesus. It is written all over their actions, words and faces.

I am not sure what I was expecting this summer. I have definitely had to fight feelings of frustration when I look at other peoples pictures from their summer adventures and think "ugh, Lord, I could have done that. Why did you put me somewhere where I feel like I fail more than anything else?"

Truthfully, I have often times felt like a failure this summer. Maybe not so much in my words or actions, but in simply thinking I should know what to do or say and instead I have no idea.

In the past couple of weeks, God has been gracious. He has shown new mercies every day. Instead of condemning me, I am able to stand free. It has been a humbling experience and hopefully something that God will continue to use even after I head home in 1.5 weeks.

"You make all things work together for my good..."


P.S. So it turns out I will be staying on the east coast to finish my degree this year. Opportunities though for after I finish have started to show and I am in need of prayer for discernment. Also pray for focus! I get distracted so easily. :)

Psalm 23

I am currently waiting for Netflix to load and decided to write a blog.

What a strange week it has been. My car was loaded (thanks to the help of some fabulous people... ahem Hannah Mack and The Pipers and my Mom and Dad), driven to Virginia and sort of unloaded.... in order or stuff which I feel like I will need in the next two weeks.

But the strangeness really happened today. I did nothing.
Not really nothing. I went grocery shopping with my dad, used a Starbucks gift card that I got for my birthday, watched a movie, watched the Bachelorette, ate, took a walk, texted some favorites back in Raleigh. But I didn't rush anywhere. I didn't have to go to work. I didn't have to write a paper or watch any children. I didn't have small group.

It was strange. I felt like I needed to be somewhere.
Then I got an e-mail. An e-mail that asked if I was interested in being an intern with a church plant in Washington. I started freaking out.

I get bored really easily. I think it's a matter of I feel like I need to be used or doing something.
The reality is the e-mailed freaked me out because I needed something to do. Instead of trusting God and God's sovereign plan over my life, I stressed out that perhaps this is where he wants me or maybe I have been wrong, or what if the place where I am in the fall requires support raising and that's just hard to do in California.

So while at Starbucks getting my free drink, I started reading Psalm 23. Such a familiar passage with familiar saying that many times I glaze over. The point of the passage though is not me. It is not about who I am or what I have done. It is about Christ. Christ leads me to still waters, Christ restores my soul and ultimately, Christ brings me home. I sat in silence (well as much as I could as Starbucks was blasting Lady Gaga) and tried to focus my heart on those truths.
That while nothing goes as I plan, everything is under His authority and in His control.

 "Will you lead me beside the still water? Where oil, it runs over, and my cup overflows. You restore my soul."