Several years ago- when I was looking for an on-campus job at Liberty- one of my friend took me to the plasma donation shop. I never actually donated- but the idea that if I was ever in need of cash appealed. Until they shut it down. Even though I had a job- albeit low paying- many of my friends were unemployed and went to this palce as often as they could.
One day- my friend Ashely and I were in her car and I was listening to her moan about her financial. I tried to encourage her that God would provide when she turned and said, "How is God going to provide? The plasma place is closed."
In the past couple of weeks since moving to Wake Forest, I have been struggling with the same question. I have rent due, too high of a credit card bill, people that I adore and want to see and a car that needs gas. And after 3 interviews, several applications and little interest, I feel like this little search is taking more time and focus from me than what I would like it too. I feel drained and emotional- wishing for China, my chinese kids and my steady (albeit low paying) job.
I find myself asking, "How is God going to provide?" and hearing myself ask it in a way that is less excited to see that He WILL provide and more in a way worried that He won't. I find myself having to be reminded that as much as I would like to be overseas and go on short term projects- I am to be obedient in what I am doing here and I feel my heart break a little more.
I am sure that many people have had just as trying weeks as I have had and probably even harder experiences than what I am experiencing. But I guess even if the answer is a closed plasma place- the reality is that He can and does provide every need. The church I have been going to has been talking and proverbs and the pastor recently said that just because we can't see Him working doesn't mean we are on the wrong path. It just means I need more trust. Trusting that the One who took me to Asia and back will be here. Trusting that the One who provided family who is loving and supportive of His call will continue to be faithful.
Apparently, Lord, I am still a mess when it comes to believing your goodness.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Finishing
I have been back in the states for about a week now. And what a hetic week it has been. 4 flights, several cities and a couple of stops at a Chick-Fil-a, I made it to Wake Forest, N.C.
When I was in China, I always thought about this last letter. About what I would say, what I could write, what I could communicate about the heartbreak I was sure would happen when I left. I was never really sure what to say. Many times, I would watch the ending scene of the Lord of the Rings triology and think " I know exactly what Frodo is talking about". How unsure I was coming back to a place where my old life and friends had changed to where I vaguely remembered it.
This past week I have enjoyed talking to many people. I have enjoyed seeing my family and talking around the dinner table with people that I love, adore and look up to. But part of me doesn't exactly know where to I fit yet. I think when I left college- I thought I knew. Turns out China changed what I thought I knew.
Today- I miss walking down to the Vanguard store (the orange store as it was affectionately labeled by me in my first week in China), walking into the kindy and hearing my students yell my name and reach up for a hug, going to the basement of the mall to buy videos, dinners with Joel and Cara, the crazy International group whose doctrine I almost never agreed with, Autumn and Isaac begging me to let them dance to Christian Rap, my increidble Chinese friends who let me make mistakes. I miss the familair faces and stares. The boys who let me interupt their game of badmitton and teach me how to play. I miss going home and stopping by Sky's house and playing with her and her baby sister.
I miss the people. The people who taught me that I need to love more. To learn more. To live more. I went to community group last Sunday night- which was wonderful to be sitting in room of singles and being able to talk and share openly without a language barrier. In the wonderful-ness, it was ackward- in the first meeting kind of way. But- much of what I thought I know has changed. Now, I am more aware of how small I am. How small I think. How small I make God. I am more aware that family can be found in very strange places. I am more aware that although I am not there to see and witness the amazing things that will happen- that it does not mean God has stopped working.
So in this strange home- where I stop in the middle of grocery stores and look at the variety of non-seafood favored chips- where I will try "to pick up the old threads of an old life" as Frodo would say- I can recongize that the same God who led me to Asia- is there, Alive and working in hearts- has brought me here to Wake Forest. And being in His hands- trusting Him fully- is the place where I best fit.
When I was in China, I always thought about this last letter. About what I would say, what I could write, what I could communicate about the heartbreak I was sure would happen when I left. I was never really sure what to say. Many times, I would watch the ending scene of the Lord of the Rings triology and think " I know exactly what Frodo is talking about". How unsure I was coming back to a place where my old life and friends had changed to where I vaguely remembered it.
This past week I have enjoyed talking to many people. I have enjoyed seeing my family and talking around the dinner table with people that I love, adore and look up to. But part of me doesn't exactly know where to I fit yet. I think when I left college- I thought I knew. Turns out China changed what I thought I knew.
Today- I miss walking down to the Vanguard store (the orange store as it was affectionately labeled by me in my first week in China), walking into the kindy and hearing my students yell my name and reach up for a hug, going to the basement of the mall to buy videos, dinners with Joel and Cara, the crazy International group whose doctrine I almost never agreed with, Autumn and Isaac begging me to let them dance to Christian Rap, my increidble Chinese friends who let me make mistakes. I miss the familair faces and stares. The boys who let me interupt their game of badmitton and teach me how to play. I miss going home and stopping by Sky's house and playing with her and her baby sister.
I miss the people. The people who taught me that I need to love more. To learn more. To live more. I went to community group last Sunday night- which was wonderful to be sitting in room of singles and being able to talk and share openly without a language barrier. In the wonderful-ness, it was ackward- in the first meeting kind of way. But- much of what I thought I know has changed. Now, I am more aware of how small I am. How small I think. How small I make God. I am more aware that family can be found in very strange places. I am more aware that although I am not there to see and witness the amazing things that will happen- that it does not mean God has stopped working.
So in this strange home- where I stop in the middle of grocery stores and look at the variety of non-seafood favored chips- where I will try "to pick up the old threads of an old life" as Frodo would say- I can recongize that the same God who led me to Asia- is there, Alive and working in hearts- has brought me here to Wake Forest. And being in His hands- trusting Him fully- is the place where I best fit.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Finally
I am FINALLY in Hong Kong.
Here is my schedule over the next week:
Monday: Fly to Beijing
Wednesday: Fly to LA
Late Wednesday night: Fly to Philly
EARLY Thursday morning: Fly to Newport News
Thursday and Friday: Attempt to put together sentence for the people who want to see me.
Saturday: Move to Raleigh.
The best part about the schedule? Facebook and blogspot FREEDOM!!!!!!
Here is my schedule over the next week:
Monday: Fly to Beijing
Wednesday: Fly to LA
Late Wednesday night: Fly to Philly
EARLY Thursday morning: Fly to Newport News
Thursday and Friday: Attempt to put together sentence for the people who want to see me.
Saturday: Move to Raleigh.
The best part about the schedule? Facebook and blogspot FREEDOM!!!!!!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Fine Chocolate
Chocolate is amazing. I am not gonna lie- I love it in any form. But having your first test of a fine gourmet chocolate is something that sticks with you. You compare it to every piece of chocolate you eat forever. People compare it to a fine wine- how the first sip isn't something that you simply drink- it's something you experience. Thats how it was when I first tasted New Zealand chocolate. I have heard good things about European chocolate- but this- this was like gold melting in my mouth. Since then- every small piece has been compared.
I am 3 months away from coming back to the US and my boss is already starting to plan goodbye parties. My students are starting to learn their dances for our end of the year program and when I get back from Hong Kong in 2 weeks- they will start to learn their English lines. My roommate has made the decision to leave in August as well to pursue the dreams that have been given to her. The team that I have worked with, struggled with, celebrated with, worshipped with- our time is starting to dwindle and it is unlikely we will ever be in the same place at the same time in this life. It brings a certain level of sadness to our weekly meetings and Sunday fellowships.
But for me- with all the struggles that China presents, it has been my fine chocolate. More than a job- a life-changing experience. It's hard to remember my life before China. I am sure I was less liberal- in my friendships, in my giving, in my love. I laughed less. I forgave less. I cried less. I owned less. This experience has changed me. It has affected the way I view church, work, God, the world around me, family, myself, everything. I'm blessed to have had such an experience. Just like most people in the world don't have the luxury of clean water (much less good chocolate), I think many people don't get to experience life in this way, for this long. I have been irreversibly changed.
I'm not saying I won't have good work or church experiences again. In fact, I will probably have harder, more challenging with greater blessing experiences. But this time- these past 2 years- is probably what will be brought to mind in each experience.
I'm so thankful for this group of people- that trust me with their children, that listen when I ramble on about life problems, that don't judge my cooking skills- and this experience and the people who made it possible for me to come over at all. If I leave here with one emotion, it will be greatfulness.
So Thank You- to the kindergarten and language school, to the International fellowship, to the people in the US who believed in One greater and made things possible by praying and giving- for 2 years of fine chocolate.
I am 3 months away from coming back to the US and my boss is already starting to plan goodbye parties. My students are starting to learn their dances for our end of the year program and when I get back from Hong Kong in 2 weeks- they will start to learn their English lines. My roommate has made the decision to leave in August as well to pursue the dreams that have been given to her. The team that I have worked with, struggled with, celebrated with, worshipped with- our time is starting to dwindle and it is unlikely we will ever be in the same place at the same time in this life. It brings a certain level of sadness to our weekly meetings and Sunday fellowships.
But for me- with all the struggles that China presents, it has been my fine chocolate. More than a job- a life-changing experience. It's hard to remember my life before China. I am sure I was less liberal- in my friendships, in my giving, in my love. I laughed less. I forgave less. I cried less. I owned less. This experience has changed me. It has affected the way I view church, work, God, the world around me, family, myself, everything. I'm blessed to have had such an experience. Just like most people in the world don't have the luxury of clean water (much less good chocolate), I think many people don't get to experience life in this way, for this long. I have been irreversibly changed.
I'm not saying I won't have good work or church experiences again. In fact, I will probably have harder, more challenging with greater blessing experiences. But this time- these past 2 years- is probably what will be brought to mind in each experience.
I'm so thankful for this group of people- that trust me with their children, that listen when I ramble on about life problems, that don't judge my cooking skills- and this experience and the people who made it possible for me to come over at all. If I leave here with one emotion, it will be greatfulness.
So Thank You- to the kindergarten and language school, to the International fellowship, to the people in the US who believed in One greater and made things possible by praying and giving- for 2 years of fine chocolate.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
GST for Thursday and Friday
Yeah- I am a slacker. Sue me.
I am sick with a nasty cold and what feels like the flu. I am still going to work but have cancelled all my night time activties because my classes are wearing me out. But here is my GST anyway-
1. Sweet people in the US giving towards my computer fund.
2. Being able to use the computer at school for about an hour and no one bothered me- often times I am kicked off if another teachers needs it.
3. Slept really well last night.
4. Watching lots of TV yesterday afternoon. Rest is GREAT!
5. Fidning out that my drivers liscense issue is taken care of and I don't have to stand in line at the DMV when I get home.
6. it's FRIDAY!
7. The rain. It cools things down.
8. The girl who shared her umbrella with me on the walk home yesterday. She spoke no English and I am still limited in my spoken Chinese.
9. Leftover lunch for when I get home.
10. Getting an e-mail for someone that warmed my heart.
I am sick with a nasty cold and what feels like the flu. I am still going to work but have cancelled all my night time activties because my classes are wearing me out. But here is my GST anyway-
1. Sweet people in the US giving towards my computer fund.
2. Being able to use the computer at school for about an hour and no one bothered me- often times I am kicked off if another teachers needs it.
3. Slept really well last night.
4. Watching lots of TV yesterday afternoon. Rest is GREAT!
5. Fidning out that my drivers liscense issue is taken care of and I don't have to stand in line at the DMV when I get home.
6. it's FRIDAY!
7. The rain. It cools things down.
8. The girl who shared her umbrella with me on the walk home yesterday. She spoke no English and I am still limited in my spoken Chinese.
9. Leftover lunch for when I get home.
10. Getting an e-mail for someone that warmed my heart.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Mahlia
Mahlia is one of my favorite students. She is my bosses 4 year old daughter and I love her.
Today this the conversation we had:
Me: Mahlia, you smell like watermelons. Why do you smell like watermelons?
Mahlia: Because I was eating fish.
It is moments like these I wish I had longer than 4 months. Don't get me wrong- I am THRILLED to be heading back to school and a bit of normalcy in my life. But funny conversations with Mahlia and Liam and my other sweet children- makes me never want to leave.
Today this the conversation we had:
Me: Mahlia, you smell like watermelons. Why do you smell like watermelons?
Mahlia: Because I was eating fish.
It is moments like these I wish I had longer than 4 months. Don't get me wrong- I am THRILLED to be heading back to school and a bit of normalcy in my life. But funny conversations with Mahlia and Liam and my other sweet children- makes me never want to leave.
Friday, April 3, 2009
GST 11
I just got the sudden urge to go to bed. I am exhausted and am THRILLED that Monday is a holiday. We have 4 weeks off for Chiense New Year and although that sounds great- I think I would rather those weeks be spread out over time. I am ready to sleep and do nothing on Monday.....even though it will probably be a pretty day and I should do laundry and clean.
Leslie in on 33 of 365. I am on like 11.
1. Trading in a box set of movies given to me by a friend for 3 new movies that I am really excited to experience.
2. Learn how to make biscuits and gravy. From scratch.
3. Oliver Twist was just okay. Who know Dickens was so violent in his stories? Even thinking about A Christmas Carol- it was violent. Still- it went late and I was glad for a good night sleep as well as being able to wake up this morning.
4. Poptarts from my American family here in China. I am going to miss them in August.
5. Boiling down my reason for going back to the US to "God told me too" and "I love Jesus and He loves me so I follow Him" and then explaining that my 3 year old class. Also being able to use the gifts my mom gave me last year for my classroom as an excuse to share and show God's love to that class.
Leslie in on 33 of 365. I am on like 11.
1. Trading in a box set of movies given to me by a friend for 3 new movies that I am really excited to experience.
2. Learn how to make biscuits and gravy. From scratch.
3. Oliver Twist was just okay. Who know Dickens was so violent in his stories? Even thinking about A Christmas Carol- it was violent. Still- it went late and I was glad for a good night sleep as well as being able to wake up this morning.
4. Poptarts from my American family here in China. I am going to miss them in August.
5. Boiling down my reason for going back to the US to "God told me too" and "I love Jesus and He loves me so I follow Him" and then explaining that my 3 year old class. Also being able to use the gifts my mom gave me last year for my classroom as an excuse to share and show God's love to that class.
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