Changes

It's fall. Almost winter. The leaves are beautiful and my jacket/ sweater collection has been expanding. With this weather comes papers, finals and the general feeling of warmth that Thanksgiving and Christmas brings.

It's my first Thanksgiving and Christmas in the states since coming back from China. I will admit that I have been missing China more than usual. I miss my students, my friends, my family there. A lot of things changed when I left. My New Zealand friends were moving to a new city, my roommate moved back to her hometown, a new mall was being built. I try to picture it in my head- but then I remember it was China and nothing stayed the same for long.

Here in Wake Forest, it feels the same. New business are being built, a new semester will start and the overall look of North Carolina starts to dim as winter comes. I keep wanting to go back. Go back to the warm weather. Go back to when things where nice and beautiful Go back to when the days invited me to be lazy and celebrating in the sunshine.

But in my heart I know- I understand- I can't go back. I can't turn around and run to my small apartment with the small dilapidated bed and my space heater and my comforting $.25 cent movies. I have to move forward. It's painful and hard- especially when I feel like I am failing at juggling my life.

Nevertheless, I am here. And changes are good. I love the fall colors although I hate the cold. I love the pumpkin spice lattes, but I hate the frost on my windshield in the mornings. I love the fact that God is changing my heart into one that is more like His, but I hate the painful process it becomes and the feelings of failure it brings.

The thing about changes- they bring hope. Hope for something better, something greater, something lovelier. Fall and winter give way to spring and summer.

So while I sit and enjoy the small coffee and try to finish up my papers and online quizzes- I can be hopeful because with change there is newness. So I am coping with the change believing that something beautiful will come from it.

New People Have Entered My Life

I have thought all week about something to write about. I came up with nothing. So I decided to write about the people that 3 months ago I would have thought were crazy.

1. Kelly. I met her at matriculation. And then again in chapel. And then finally learned her name at the dumpster. Kelly has probably become one of my best friends here at Southeastern and I am sure that she would disagree saying she has no best friend currently. We have both spent time overseas and share and addiction to coffee ever though I enjoy mine with more milk than she does. Kelly was been one of those people that I prayed for while I was in China. I knew I needed people in my life who were relaxed and loved to laugh. People who encouraged me and saw the sunny side of life no matter how dark things have gotten. She has been willing to talk about anything and I have kept her awake until the wee hours of the morning on more than one occasion.

2. Rebecca. My Thursday Philosophy partner. My Tuesday night study buddy. My recently addicted to Dollhouse friend. I am not quite sure what I would be doing on any given day without receiving a text from her. We met through a Bible study that neither of us attend anymore. She has read through papers and joined me on random outings to Wal-Mart and Chick-Fil-A. She was another person who I prayed for in while in China. I knew I would need someone to challenge my way of thinking and offer me a different view on things.

3. Emily. My quiet friend. I think she is the one that I text versus actually talk to. We share a love of similar movies, TV Shows and music. She reminds me of Cara, my American friend in China. Quiet and thoughtful but with an interesting past that I could not even begin to imagine. She hates coffee but is still gracious and easy to laugh with.

4. My roommates, Seintje and Erin. These two are much older than I am.... and MUCH quieter than I am. I think that its good that we were thrown together. Seintje and I don't have much in common but I feel like I can learn from them.... and maybe they don't always think that way but something about them makes me wonder if God didn't put us together because we needed each other this year.

5. Alex. Alex and I are not good friends- yet. In fact, Alex talks about his dreams for the future more than anyone else I know.... Alex is one of those people who I am not sure about yet. He lives downstairs and next door to 2 of my good friends. I met him through my roomate and this is what I know: I know he wants to be a pastor/ biblical teacher. I know he is a neat freak. And I know that for some reason. until God tells me not too, I am to pray for him.

6. Lane. Lane is a non-christian Starbucks barista. 18-years-old, musician and a seeker. Lane and I had a very interesting conversation today at Starbucks while he was working. He writes songs and wants to be back in a band. He lives in Youngsville and does not go to church- but in interested in spiritual things.

7. The Launch team of Essentials. I still don't know this group as well as I should. And quite honestly with all the other churches (with semi-okay singles programs) in the area, I am not exactly sure what drew me to Essentials. Even though it's hard to see the why- I am confident that this church is going to do great things in Wake Forest, Raleigh, North Carolina, America and the world.... and all I know is I needed to be a part of it.


These are the people that God has put in my life at the moment. The people who I am to serve with, laugh with, love with, pray with. The people I am to serve, love and intercede for. My heart is burden for these people on a daily bases- I want them to succeed- to see their love abound more and more until Jesus comes. I still am vague on why some of our lives have started to become interconnected. Nevertheless, these are the new students and people that God has chosen to intertwine my life with. There is no going back to China or Suffolk or Lynchburg. I miss and love my friends in all of those places (and I look forward to catching up with EVERYBODY)- but

I am here. And I love my new friends.

Essentials

Water. Food. Sleep. Family. For Grad students, Coffee.

Those are the essentials of life.

My church- a wonderfully small church plant right in the heart of Wake Forest a wonderfully small town- is called Essentials.

I will be honest. I like stuff. I like the extras. The things I don't actually need. I like the new shoes that I will only wear once. The new book that I bought that I could have checked out from the Library.
When I lived in China- there were things that I always felt I needed. Comfort foods, a space heater (turns out I need it more here in Wake Forest than I did in China), younger, single friends. I still feel like I need stuff in Wake Forest. Comfort foods (which are more abundant), a space heater and younger, single friends.

Tenth Avenue North has a new (or new-to-me song) called By Your Side. One of the lines in that song is "Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?"
If I were honest with myself, I would have to admit that I am constantly looking for things to fill me and truthfully, most of these things are material.

So maybe going to this church is a good thing because it reminds me that the only thing I will ever need is Jesus. The most essential part of my day is Him. I can't keep searching other things because He is enough.

Personally, I think that everyone should have the Essentials.

Today

Today I miss:

- Dinner with Joel, Cara and family. Playing with Isaac and Autumn afterwards.
- Walking down the street to the kindergarten knowing when I got there 120 faces would light up.
- Da Fu Yuan and wondering around the back practising Chinese.
- Bus trips to Macau.
- The end of immigration in Macau, wlaking outside and breathing deeply before heading to a bus and into the mass of gamblers.
- Dinners with Andrew, Andrea and company- followed by Catan.....or Bible study.
- Vanguard.
- The Shangri-La- the way it smelled when I walked in and use of the internet there.
- My fellow teachers.
- Yuki.
- Jiao zi.

I don't long to be back in China. I don't long for the lack of space, the lack of people my age, the lack of freedom to drive, the hot weather 10 months of the year. I don't long for the trash on the sidewalks or the spitting.

I wonder if life in China would have been easier this year. I wonder why God put me here- knowing in my heart I am where I should be- but my mind is wondering why nothing has worked out as planned.

So today- while I don't long to be back in China- I do miss it.

Finding Compassion

Thursdays are my long days. I have chapel and then 2 three hour classes. And I love it- especially my Evangelism class. I generally call my parents in the 10 minutes that I have between my Evangelism and Philosophy class just to say how much I was challenged and encouraged during my Evangelism class.

So when class was canceled because my professor was out of town- I was experiencing a little bit of disappointment. However, I did want to use the time wisely and read for my Philosophy class. By the time that was done I still had about 2 hours before my class, so I took out one of the my Evangelism books- Questioning Evangelism by Randy Newman- and began to read the chapter about how to show compassion to those who are angry, bitter, unsure, hurt, and have various skeptical reactions to the gospel.

What I read began to break my heart. I have been on the phone with my family every day for the past week complaining about my new job at Steak and Shake. Believe me- it is not a pleasant job. I get yelled at on an hourly bases and want to quit after every shift. I feel defeated and discouraged when I walk out and wonder why- when I hold a Bachelor's degree- I can not seem to find a better job. The people there are unfriendly and I really, strongly dislike it. I keep comparing it to my days at Chick-Fil-A, which although unpleasant, I never walked away in with the attitude of "Why am working here? Why should I pray for them?"
The book I was reading gave the example of the man who owned a field and then hired people at different times- however all were given the same wages and the people hired first complained that they should receive more money. I have always thought of this as unfair- but many times I have heard the story with regards as God seeing as at equals.

Today- I was presented with a different challenge. The parable is unfair. Those eleventh hour people should have gotten less money. The first group was right! I should have a better-paying job that matches my skills. I shouldn't have to work with illegal immigrants or people under the age of 20 making more than I am.

The story is no longer about God seeing us as equals- but of God's grace. The beauty of the cross that I can never be more knowledgeable, skilled, or worthy of what He provides out of goodness. Yes, it is unfair. Unfair that He had to pay my price. Unfair that I- in my pride- feel like I deserve something more. But more than that- why do I think of myself as better than those whom I work with because I have a degree and they do not? Where is the compassion- the realization that Jesus didn't just die for me- but for all?

So in addition to classes and work- I guess I need to get my attitude and prayer life straight- just another reason why I love my Evangelism class.

Balancing

I at one point wrote an e-mail from China about balancing and how much time it takes.

It's a lesson that I am still learning. Only today instead of balancing the needs of my classroom- my balancing act has taken on new heights and I am jungling several things- a job, a social life, a ministry and classes. It's a struggle and I am terrified that at any moment I will slip, fail and fall. My dad use to put me on his shoulders and I remember the exhilarating feelings that I really was on top of the world. I remember being scared that I may fall but somehow comforted that my Dad would do everything in his power to protect me and catch me if I fell. The coolest part was that I think I could hear him more clearly when I was on his shoulders and I knew when he smiling even though I couldn't see.

There is a new song that plays on the radio that I really identify with called "Free to be Me". In it the singer takes about how perfection is the enemy and how on our own we are clumsy.

I suppose my downfall is just that. I moved to Wake Forest with the idea of things should go and since they haven't gone that way- I feel like I am tripping over myself and stumbling in areas that I thought I had a handle on. But the reality is things going my perfect way doesn't matter and in the end my way is clumsy and hard.

The end of the song talks about how God takes us on his shoulders and there we can see that we we are truly free. Free to be ourselves, to live life fully and to rest in his care. Free to believe that He will do everything to protect us and catch us when we fall.

My balancing act will take time. Until then- I will rest in knowing my Father is right there and that if I just bend my head closer I can hear hear His voice and feel His smile..

The Plasma Place is Closed

Several years ago- when I was looking for an on-campus job at Liberty- one of my friend took me to the plasma donation shop. I never actually donated- but the idea that if I was ever in need of cash appealed. Until they shut it down. Even though I had a job- albeit low paying- many of my friends were unemployed and went to this palce as often as they could.

One day- my friend Ashely and I were in her car and I was listening to her moan about her financial. I tried to encourage her that God would provide when she turned and said, "How is God going to provide? The plasma place is closed."

In the past couple of weeks since moving to Wake Forest, I have been struggling with the same question. I have rent due, too high of a credit card bill, people that I adore and want to see and a car that needs gas. And after 3 interviews, several applications and little interest, I feel like this little search is taking more time and focus from me than what I would like it too. I feel drained and emotional- wishing for China, my chinese kids and my steady (albeit low paying) job.

I find myself asking, "How is God going to provide?" and hearing myself ask it in a way that is less excited to see that He WILL provide and more in a way worried that He won't. I find myself having to be reminded that as much as I would like to be overseas and go on short term projects- I am to be obedient in what I am doing here and I feel my heart break a little more.

I am sure that many people have had just as trying weeks as I have had and probably even harder experiences than what I am experiencing. But I guess even if the answer is a closed plasma place- the reality is that He can and does provide every need. The church I have been going to has been talking and proverbs and the pastor recently said that just because we can't see Him working doesn't mean we are on the wrong path. It just means I need more trust. Trusting that the One who took me to Asia and back will be here. Trusting that the One who provided family who is loving and supportive of His call will continue to be faithful.

Apparently, Lord, I am still a mess when it comes to believing your goodness.