Intentional

It's been a rough couple of weeks as normal. Exams, finals and papers have had my attention.

But one thing that I learning is how to pray expectantly. So much of my life is lived with the "okay God said 'no'" mentality. I accept that He said no without actually continuing to ask and fall on my face before Him. And while there are times I think the answer is no, maybe He wants me to be more persistent. To prove how much I long for His involvement and to seek Him more. Or maybe it's that I assume the answer will be no so I don't actually get into a conversation with Him about it and try to figure it out on my own.

Confession: I don't actually believe He will do the impossible.

Maybe it's my perspective. That God does show up in the small things and answers even my littlest needs.

But I am finding myself wondering if its more. I wonder if I brush aside a small answer, not giving Him glory for the little things and then wondering why He doesn't seem to fixing the greater problems.

There is a Chinese painting on my wall. It say's "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us". Not only does God do the things greater than I imagine but He does them according to the power within me. I don't claim that nearly enough.

And I need to realize that
there are days, when the answers come.
The wait has been so worth it.
The amount of rejoicing in my heart spills over into dancing and praising and worshipping the Only One who could ever save.

The majority of my time feels like I am waiting. Where the "Not Yet" seems to be taking forever and almost feels like a no.

But I know I am waiting because the day will come. It will come when I praying intentionally, expecting a big answer from a great God. Until then I will go looking for trouble because a Friend of mine dragged me into this. He called from on High and He spoke about the “least of these.” He said He would do something in my days that I wouldn’t believe, even if I were told.

So, each and every week, I walk this city. I will go looking. I will walk where the people are. I will ask that barriers be broken down, I will ask for the Son to shine, I will ask simply that the blind will finally See. Living intentionally and trying my best to see and believe that God's not finished.

Not yet.

Just Keep Swimming

The movie Finding Nemo came to mind today.

I feel a bit useless and restless where I am right now. June 12th is my last babysitting job and after that I have no idea where rent money, food money, gas money will come from. I find myself reverting back to my ways in August where worry and stress take the place of joy and peace and patience. I wonder where God is taking me and what the rest of my life will look like.

So today- instead of worry about June 13th, August 2010, or five years from now, I am going to get through the day. I am going to keep breathing. I am going to live in the present where God is and trust that the ultimate "I AM" will continue to show himself as patient, loving, kind and working for my good- even if I don't believe it or get frustrated with my life right now.

Today I will keep swimming.

7.5

Its been 7.5 months since I have come back from China. And honestly I have moments where I wonder if life has really changed. Oh yes, I no longer have to make Mexican food from scratch or ride a bus or wonder if I will lose my life on the back of a motor bike. But there are days when I catch myself doing these things:

*wondering around a store because things are grouped together in ways that I don't understand. The Chinese stores started making sense.
*thinking about this cost in RMB instead of dollars and convincing myself of what is cheap.
*wondering why no one is staring at me when I go into a mall.
*wondering why the mall is only 2 stories.
*wondering why the tv shows or movies do not have subtitles in Chinese or funny English ones.
*thinking any day a website will be blocked for no reason.
*missing my students so much its hard to breathe.

There is this moment just before I wake up when I think I will go backwards in time. I wake up in my stuffy, hot apartment on a bed that should have been thrown away several years ago, throw on clothes and walk down the street trying to convince myself it will be a good day. I got into work and walk up the first flight of stairs and am greeted with 60 hugs and my name being called. The second flight leads to my classroom, 50 more hugs and more of my name. Life seems to be better. Too make sense. Too not hurt quite as much.

It's been 7 and half months and I realize how long its been since I was given or gave a genuine hug. I know it could be a love language and blah blah blah but some days I wonder if there were healing powers in the hugs I got in China. The precious hearts of my 3, 4 and 5 year olds who loved me without condition, wanting to share their days and needing a hug almost as much as I did.

I miss them.... and while I am so thankful to be where I am not a day goes by that I don't wonder if I was a good teacher, if they remember, if they saw Jesus in me. And really its in those moments I need a hug the most.

7 Quick Takes Friday..... on Tuesday

I should do a real post soon..... I may do it sometime this week

#1

Elevate (as defined by free dictionary.com):

To move (something) to a higher place or position from a lower one; lift.

To increase the amplitude, intensity, or volume of.

To promote to a higher rank.

To raise to a higher moral, cultural, or intellectual level.

To lift the spirits of; elate.

#2

Elevate is what the Sunday night youth gathering at the Summit is called. After I leave- I definitely see why they decided to go with that name. I have been in youth groups, met youth leaders and wannabe leaders, served at youth camps.... nothing quite compares to the way these students get challenged to meet Jesus, to bring friends, and to serve their schools. I am still not sure why they allowed me to help on Sunday nights as most of the time I feel like I am just wondering around looking dumb.

#3

Spring 2 is currently happening..... yes 2. It's technically Easter week but whatever.

#4

So Summit news number 2: they are having 19 Easter services! no seriously. 19 different services at different times in different places. Not one of them is at sunrise. Praise Jesus I don't have to feel guilty for not showing up at sunrise (I always felt guilty in college). I have invited 2 friends only to have them say no= discouraging. BUT I do know that God will show up at all 19 services and I am excited to see what He does=encouraging.

#5

I have joined twitter. So far I think I like it more than Facebook. It takes up less of my time and I can ignore it from the hours of 6pm to 8am. Bliss.

#6

I have 2 books to read for 2 classes which end in me doing a paper on each book. I also have to find an agnostic or atheist to interview. This would be a good week to start all of that. Instead, today I went to the library and checked out 4 non-academic books.

#7

Coupons make me so happy. I think I get too excited when I get them in the mail or when I remember to buy a Sunday paper. This weeks still in the paper: $1 off any drink at Caribou Coffee. LOVE. IT.

7 Quick Take Friday #3

1. Ack! It's Friday! I usually love Fridays but today just feels like the end of a long week and I catch myself thinking it's not over. My weekend became packed with things and I am not sure next week is looking much better.

2. Wednesday Bible Study. I love Wednesdays. They may become my new Thursdays. Although I still love Thursdays. This past Wednesday though I got to go to Bible study which is refreshing for me because I get to go outside of my Seminary life to spend some time with real women who are in different stages, professions and walks. I love learning from each of them... this past Wednesday I drove back to Wake Forest thinking "Lord, I want my life and confidence to be found in You. I want to shine the way the women in my small group do."

3. My Thursday class always makes me walk away thinking about pain, suffering and evil. I am becoming more and more aware of spiritual warfare and what it really means to take on the full armor of God. Recently I have been learning about the shield aspect of that. I goggled what the uses of a shield were- I think I knew before I started but honestly I forgot that the shield is an important part of battle. I hear so much about the sword or the breastplate or the helmet that often times we forget that the first thing that an arrow hits would be the shield. Funny, in the armor of God it is the shield of faith.... I haven't work this analogy all out but as a shield became more and more developed they became stronger, using a lighter material that was easy to carry. Maybe as I continue to work out my faith and learn the areas that need healing, my faith will not just be strong but it will be easier for me to hold onto instantly that when a rubber band comes my way.

4. I have a church history test and honestly, I have to say, I don't think I care about history. I mean, I love Luther and Zwingli and even have a soft spot on my heart for Cranmer but I just don't care about history.....

5. With that said, I love my professor. I love the stories I get to hear. I love the fact that I get to learn about what happens and that my professor seems to make things alive that have the potential to be very, very boring.

6. I am finding that I am starting to eat my fruits and vegetables. And I must say that I am enjoying it. I feel like I have more energy and I am not sure if that is from what I am eating or simply due the fact that I am trying to get at least 8 hours of sleep in a night.

7. Prayer request: I am starting to get a little apprehensive about what I am going to do this summer. I KNOW God has a plan. I KNOW that God has stuff under control. I KNOW that He will provide. BUT I am having a hard time transferring that knowing to believing and claiming and resting. Also, my dad is having surgery on his knee in April.

That's all for this quick takes! Hope people are having a great week!

7 Quick Takes... on a Monday though

1. I have given up Facebook for lent but still find myself thinking about my life in terms of what my status would be at any given moment.

2. I had lunch with my Bible study leader today and can I tell you? AMAZING. I am so glad that I decided to join that group even though it means one more day that I have to drive the 30 minutes out to Durham. We talked about life for about an hour and I loved meeting with her and sharing my story with someone who has similarities to my life but can look back and encourage me where I am.

3. Spring Break number 1 was last week. I think I got too use to not working or going to class because it was a fight to wake up this morning.

4. Spring might be here. North Carolina weather is is just as crazy as China weather and I am not sure how long it is going to stay beautiful but it is.... BEAUTIFUL.... unfortunately my allergies do not agree and I have been taking sinus meds like it's candy.

5. I have a stack of books that need to be read and yet the weather says "come play before it gets hot and miserable" ... thus I don't want to read anything school related which I am sure will come back to haunt me the next few weeks when I take test and quizzes on stuff I am suppose to read. I will read everything before it's due....

6. The Summit is going to be starting a church in North Raleigh. Part of me thinks YAY! The other part of me think ICK.... I mean another church in N. Raleigh? Really? Needless to say, I will probably not be attending as the new campus may be all seminary students and I like the fact that when I go to Durham I don't see people that I automatically think they are from Southeastern (I love my friends... but I do struggle with wanting to build relationships outside of school).

7. I love post-it notes and list. I feel sort of accomplishment when I check something off. Who knew?

being offensive, rubberbands and being valued.

Today has been a particually rough day.

It started off with an e-mail from someone that I work with telling me that I would not be able to work on Saturday due to my religious beliefs. As much as I understand, I was frustrated. I am not working very much this week and could have used the job and was looking forward to the fact that this family had one child and it was a 2 year old. Often times I am with 9-15 year olds and sometimes its just healing to hold a baby. I felt rejected not only based on what I believed in but because somehow these people were saying I am not good enough to watch their child.

I told someone tonight I felt like I was being spiritually attacked with rubber bands. Painful and something that leaves scars for days. I felt like they knew my weak spots and instead of something quick decided to fire the thinnest rubber bands towards those soft spots. It makes me hurt all over... I have always been told I should be like a rubber band but the reality is that as flexible as I want to be the pain of being hurt is still present.

One of those areas is that of my value and worth. I was part of a conversation today where 2 girls were questioning the likelyhood of another girl getting married because of the fact she has a ThM. I feel like somehow women are starting to associate things like intelligence and beauty into a sense of worth. Maybe it's true- that woman may not get married- but don't I serve a God who does the impossible? Should someones intelligence, appearance, or religion somehow effect their worth?

It is possible that I will be starting to work with the youth group at the Summit. I almost feel as if there should be better answers for them. That while those things do matter ultimately our identities are not found in what we do or have but as Christians our identities should be and are rooted in Christ. My friend Emily puts it nicely when she says "in exchange for sitting at the table of false satisfaction, feeding off the morsels of whatever it is (it being what we look to instead of Christ) washing it down with the poison of pride, may we instead rest at the dining table of full satisfaction with our Father we have already been given, indulging ourselves in the word, being constantly refreshed in the Spirit."

I feel like this is something that I am still learning. That only Christ will satisfy. The other things that I am looking too- my job, my friends, and the things that offer comfort, love, joy, peace, and rest- fail and fall short. In Him, I can find my value and worth... not in the things I lack. In Him, I can have....

life.