Faithless

I have been thinking about something to write all week.

Without a study job it's easy to sit in my room and think about all the things I would like to write, read or do. Then it's easy to push it off until tomorrow.

Thursday was a day were I decided it was time. Time to stop sitting around and be active about a job. 2 applications were put on hold for a little while until this week for "group interviews". 1 application was accepted and Thursday evening I went through another group interview. However, I have not received a phone call for any job. *sigh*

It was on the way home that I got mad. I was frustrated with God, with myself, with the lack of encouragement. Why would God keep me here in North Carolina if He was not going to provide? Where was His faithfulness, His goodness, His love in my time of need? Why does it seem like everyone around me is getting blessed.... maybe they don't even see it in comparison to where I sat it seemed like God was withholding something. Something good.

In the middle of highway 98 it hit me. Maybe God was not withholding so much as he was protecting. Maybe not in the sense that He is protecting me from something bad but for a deeper relationship with Him. When I am busy and scheduled I often leave God out of the picture thinking I cannot make time for him, I have too much other good things to do. The reality is that I sometimes get it backwards. I do for approval, not for His glory. I do for my gain and not for his. I do because it makes me feel good not because of the reality of hell or the reality of the cross.

Without a job, I am having to trust Him more, talk to Him more, and learn about Him more. It is difficult because sometimes I don't see the fruit. I get frustrated and unsure and start to doubt His love. I start losing faith. So when 2nd Timothy 2:13 was brought up in my meeting on Friday, I couldn't help but relate and feel a tiny bit encouraged. He IS faithful even though I am not. He IS staying with me, even when I can't see. He IS in control even though my small revolves-around-me world seems to be falling apart.

He is faithful. To forgive, to love, to pursue.