Asking for a Pony

In the car yesterday, I began to think about a new blog. I have been typing papers, exams and study guides and thought maybe I should type up something a little more joyful.

I realized something yesterday. A road not taken. A door that was shut. Yesterday marked almost exactly 4 years since I sit in the living room of the house that Hannah and I shared. It was 4 years ago that I made the decision to not continue an interview that would have taken me to Florida. It was 4 years ago I decided to go home.

4 years.

So much has happened in 4 years. Nothing has happened like I thought it would. Instead of being overseas still, I am in Wake Forest, North Carolina. In so many ways I am still wondering where life is going and am waiting with just as much anticipation as I did 4 years ago. I feel this way every Christmas. I think it started when I was younger. I was more interested in the presents and hated waiting through the Christmas story that we would read before we could rip into the pile of Christmas goodies.

I am in the middle of reading a book called How People Change by Paul David Tripp and writing an application paper for it. The book doesn't say anything new but it is reminding me that although life seems a bit out of control, God is still working.

I think back to 4 years and the 6ish months that followed. I didn't know what God was doing. I was lonely and working like crazy. I was watching friends get married and my heart was breaking because it seemed like God has forgotten me. In China, similar emotions were felt.

But 4 years ago, I knew that God would be faithful. I knew that He would take care of me. I knew it even if I didn't believe it all the time. I knew that God would show himself in a big way. I was waiting expectantly for him to show up.

It seems like every year at Christmas, I wait for the same thing. I wait for something big to happen and believe that God will do something big. But it's almost as if I miss out on what God has done. I miss the fact that the greatest thing that He could have done happened already. I miss the fact that He sent his Son to die for me. Instead I get distracted by other things. Maybe not by presents like when I was younger, but by what I have not be given the past year.

In 2011, I will watch friends get married, have children, move to exciting new places. It's hard not to look at there lives point at God and say, "I want THAT" as if I am asking for a pony. It's hard to not look at my life  and say, "Did you forget about me? Do you still have plans?"  I reflect over the last year and think "wow, if I had it my way that's not what I would have chosen. But God continues to show himself faithful". He continues to provide.

But this year, I have realized that as many times as I ask those questions, God's soft and gentle response has been showing me his faithfulness. He is showing me his patience with me and my impatience. He is showing me his love to the people I deem unlovable.

Maybe this year, instead of choosing to whine and look at my life wondering "Why not me? Why not now? Now seems like a good time for ______!" I can choose to be thankful not matter the circumstance. I can realize that the greatest gift of life has been given and that is enough for me to satisfied.