Being Still

Recently, as in last night, I rented and watched the newest Karate Kid. I never saw the old version but I was interested in this movie because they filmed it in China. Throughout the movie, I kept tearing up thinking, I remember buses similar to that, parks similar to that, the language, the people. My heart ached just a little.

It happens frequently. Something will remind me of the past and my heart aches a little. I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back to China, back to Liberty, back to high school. I wish I was different then. I wish I could change some of the things I said or did.

However, I can't go back.

I fight this reality daily. Maybe it's because there were things that were comforting in each of those places. I had questions, but they never surfaced as much as what questions seem to surface now. Daily I am faced with questions like what is your degree program? What do you want to do with your life? What is God calling you to?

I get so frustrated not knowing the answer. I feel like a failure for not knowing. I feel like I should be doing something. I feel like I should be making a decision about overseas or not overseas, teaching or not teaching, the list goes on.

Instead, I am frustrated that I don't know. That I have ideas but no real direction. I have plans, but no real confirmation. I have dreams but not a whole lot to build on.

The most recent question that has come up is "Why am I in seminary?" I suppose if I am honest then I have to say right now because God has not called me to do anything else. He has not opened doors to go anywhere else. He has not supplied ways and means yet for me to move on. So I am here. In the in between. Waiting. Wondering. Questioning.

Then I watched The Karate Kid.
At one point in the movie, Mr Han says "Being still and doing nothing are two very different things."

I can not look at my life right now as doing nothing. Even if it sometimes feels like it.
No instead, I have to be still before God. God has taken me into a season where he is preparing me for something. What that something is I don't know yet. But He is still working. He is not doing nothing. He has called me to be still before Him. It's like one of those be anxious for nothing moments.

In being still before Him and waiting on Him, He gets to do great work. In being still before Him, the pressure is off me in sharing the gospel because I know people are ultimately not rejecting me and He is doing the work. In being still before Him, I don't have to worry about my future because He is doing the work. I just have to wait and follow where he leads.

So in the month of thankfulness I am thankful for His grace and mercy. I am thankful for His patience. I am thankful for His forgiveness. I am thankful that He is doing a great work even though more often than not He ask me to be still.

“Be still, and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10

Reasons Why I Hate Sharing the Gospel

Before anyone gets all uptight and worried that this seminary students hates sharing the gospel- please read it all the way through and ask yourself honestly if you are a Great Commission Christian. I imagine there are more like me- but to many are scared to admit it because of reputation or guilt.

In the past couple of months, I have met with, followed, read up on my friends Bryan and Megan Barley's church plant. They will be heading to Denver in January and I am so incredibly excited for them! I love the fact that they will be going with a team of 8 or so to plant their lives. They are not planning to return to the east coast to live. They are not planning to stay for a few years then come back so that Bryan can pastor a larger church. I love that they have started to get to know their team here in Raleigh before moving to Denver. I love that they are living out the Gospel here. It seems like good practice.

As much as I love them, admire them and think "wow what a great job they are doing" I feel like I am a bystander. I am not one to go out and live the gospel. I blame my job, my location, my current educational goals. The reality is that I am just to scared, to busy and to apathetic to share with other people. The questions that go through my head when I think I should share the Gospel are things like "Do I want them to say yes? Does that mean I now have to disciple them? Is that worth the time? Do I have the time?" So instead of dealing with these answers, I simply choose not to ask God to present me with opportunities. Or I ask God to present me with opportunities but chicken out when it comes time to follow through.

A recent conversation with one of my friends really exposed this sin. This friend and her husband are questioning what to do next after the internship. I told her to start praying with the Great Commission in mind. But as I sat and talked with her, I realized I need to pray it as well.

I have big dreams of living in a city full of people. Of not having to drive my car everywhere. Of being able to invite my non Christians friends to my house to play games, to eat dinner, to watch movies, to love them, serve them, share Jesus with them. But I am not doing that now. Instead I am focused on the couch that looks like it came from a nursing home.

I write this knowing that we are all gifted in different ways. But the command is to go and make disciples. I am not even doing the "go" part much less the "make disciples" part. I am not building relationships being open about my faith so that as people watch me live and watch how my life has been changed by the Gospel, people wonder why I am different.

I don't tip that much when I go out to eat or to a coffee shop.
I don't always buy things when I go shopping.
I don't make an effort to help people in need unless it's during the week of ServeRDU (which is like an outreach week with my church here in Raleigh/Durham).
I don't question people about their faith and walk with God.
I send people to hell because I don't care enough that Jesus came so that all who believe in Him will be saved.
Even if I do care, I don't actually live out that Jesus is enough because I spend money foolishly or whine about current circumstances and how I wish my life was different.


So if you have made it this far in reading this blog- pray for me. Pray for courage. Pray for wisdom. Pray for the knowledge that Christ' blood covers all sins. Pray that even when I fail in sharing, I can repent and live in the joy that Christ has set me free from sin. Pray that the reality of that will shake me to boldness that all may know and submit to God's authority.