Thursdays are my long days. I have chapel and then 2 three hour classes. And I love it- especially my Evangelism class. I generally call my parents in the 10 minutes that I have between my Evangelism and Philosophy class just to say how much I was challenged and encouraged during my Evangelism class.
So when class was canceled because my professor was out of town- I was experiencing a little bit of disappointment. However, I did want to use the time wisely and read for my Philosophy class. By the time that was done I still had about 2 hours before my class, so I took out one of the my Evangelism books- Questioning Evangelism by Randy Newman- and began to read the chapter about how to show compassion to those who are angry, bitter, unsure, hurt, and have various skeptical reactions to the gospel.
What I read began to break my heart. I have been on the phone with my family every day for the past week complaining about my new job at Steak and Shake. Believe me- it is not a pleasant job. I get yelled at on an hourly bases and want to quit after every shift. I feel defeated and discouraged when I walk out and wonder why- when I hold a Bachelor's degree- I can not seem to find a better job. The people there are unfriendly and I really, strongly dislike it. I keep comparing it to my days at Chick-Fil-A, which although unpleasant, I never walked away in with the attitude of "Why am working here? Why should I pray for them?"
The book I was reading gave the example of the man who owned a field and then hired people at different times- however all were given the same wages and the people hired first complained that they should receive more money. I have always thought of this as unfair- but many times I have heard the story with regards as God seeing as at equals.
Today- I was presented with a different challenge. The parable is unfair. Those eleventh hour people should have gotten less money. The first group was right! I should have a better-paying job that matches my skills. I shouldn't have to work with illegal immigrants or people under the age of 20 making more than I am.
The story is no longer about God seeing us as equals- but of God's grace. The beauty of the cross that I can never be more knowledgeable, skilled, or worthy of what He provides out of goodness. Yes, it is unfair. Unfair that He had to pay my price. Unfair that I- in my pride- feel like I deserve something more. But more than that- why do I think of myself as better than those whom I work with because I have a degree and they do not? Where is the compassion- the realization that Jesus didn't just die for me- but for all?
So in addition to classes and work- I guess I need to get my attitude and prayer life straight- just another reason why I love my Evangelism class.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Balancing
I at one point wrote an e-mail from China about balancing and how much time it takes.
It's a lesson that I am still learning. Only today instead of balancing the needs of my classroom- my balancing act has taken on new heights and I am jungling several things- a job, a social life, a ministry and classes. It's a struggle and I am terrified that at any moment I will slip, fail and fall. My dad use to put me on his shoulders and I remember the exhilarating feelings that I really was on top of the world. I remember being scared that I may fall but somehow comforted that my Dad would do everything in his power to protect me and catch me if I fell. The coolest part was that I think I could hear him more clearly when I was on his shoulders and I knew when he smiling even though I couldn't see.
There is a new song that plays on the radio that I really identify with called "Free to be Me". In it the singer takes about how perfection is the enemy and how on our own we are clumsy.
I suppose my downfall is just that. I moved to Wake Forest with the idea of things should go and since they haven't gone that way- I feel like I am tripping over myself and stumbling in areas that I thought I had a handle on. But the reality is things going my perfect way doesn't matter and in the end my way is clumsy and hard.
The end of the song talks about how God takes us on his shoulders and there we can see that we we are truly free. Free to be ourselves, to live life fully and to rest in his care. Free to believe that He will do everything to protect us and catch us when we fall.
My balancing act will take time. Until then- I will rest in knowing my Father is right there and that if I just bend my head closer I can hear hear His voice and feel His smile..
It's a lesson that I am still learning. Only today instead of balancing the needs of my classroom- my balancing act has taken on new heights and I am jungling several things- a job, a social life, a ministry and classes. It's a struggle and I am terrified that at any moment I will slip, fail and fall. My dad use to put me on his shoulders and I remember the exhilarating feelings that I really was on top of the world. I remember being scared that I may fall but somehow comforted that my Dad would do everything in his power to protect me and catch me if I fell. The coolest part was that I think I could hear him more clearly when I was on his shoulders and I knew when he smiling even though I couldn't see.
There is a new song that plays on the radio that I really identify with called "Free to be Me". In it the singer takes about how perfection is the enemy and how on our own we are clumsy.
I suppose my downfall is just that. I moved to Wake Forest with the idea of things should go and since they haven't gone that way- I feel like I am tripping over myself and stumbling in areas that I thought I had a handle on. But the reality is things going my perfect way doesn't matter and in the end my way is clumsy and hard.
The end of the song talks about how God takes us on his shoulders and there we can see that we we are truly free. Free to be ourselves, to live life fully and to rest in his care. Free to believe that He will do everything to protect us and catch us when we fall.
My balancing act will take time. Until then- I will rest in knowing my Father is right there and that if I just bend my head closer I can hear hear His voice and feel His smile..
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
The Plasma Place is Closed
Several years ago- when I was looking for an on-campus job at Liberty- one of my friend took me to the plasma donation shop. I never actually donated- but the idea that if I was ever in need of cash appealed. Until they shut it down. Even though I had a job- albeit low paying- many of my friends were unemployed and went to this palce as often as they could.
One day- my friend Ashely and I were in her car and I was listening to her moan about her financial. I tried to encourage her that God would provide when she turned and said, "How is God going to provide? The plasma place is closed."
In the past couple of weeks since moving to Wake Forest, I have been struggling with the same question. I have rent due, too high of a credit card bill, people that I adore and want to see and a car that needs gas. And after 3 interviews, several applications and little interest, I feel like this little search is taking more time and focus from me than what I would like it too. I feel drained and emotional- wishing for China, my chinese kids and my steady (albeit low paying) job.
I find myself asking, "How is God going to provide?" and hearing myself ask it in a way that is less excited to see that He WILL provide and more in a way worried that He won't. I find myself having to be reminded that as much as I would like to be overseas and go on short term projects- I am to be obedient in what I am doing here and I feel my heart break a little more.
I am sure that many people have had just as trying weeks as I have had and probably even harder experiences than what I am experiencing. But I guess even if the answer is a closed plasma place- the reality is that He can and does provide every need. The church I have been going to has been talking and proverbs and the pastor recently said that just because we can't see Him working doesn't mean we are on the wrong path. It just means I need more trust. Trusting that the One who took me to Asia and back will be here. Trusting that the One who provided family who is loving and supportive of His call will continue to be faithful.
Apparently, Lord, I am still a mess when it comes to believing your goodness.
One day- my friend Ashely and I were in her car and I was listening to her moan about her financial. I tried to encourage her that God would provide when she turned and said, "How is God going to provide? The plasma place is closed."
In the past couple of weeks since moving to Wake Forest, I have been struggling with the same question. I have rent due, too high of a credit card bill, people that I adore and want to see and a car that needs gas. And after 3 interviews, several applications and little interest, I feel like this little search is taking more time and focus from me than what I would like it too. I feel drained and emotional- wishing for China, my chinese kids and my steady (albeit low paying) job.
I find myself asking, "How is God going to provide?" and hearing myself ask it in a way that is less excited to see that He WILL provide and more in a way worried that He won't. I find myself having to be reminded that as much as I would like to be overseas and go on short term projects- I am to be obedient in what I am doing here and I feel my heart break a little more.
I am sure that many people have had just as trying weeks as I have had and probably even harder experiences than what I am experiencing. But I guess even if the answer is a closed plasma place- the reality is that He can and does provide every need. The church I have been going to has been talking and proverbs and the pastor recently said that just because we can't see Him working doesn't mean we are on the wrong path. It just means I need more trust. Trusting that the One who took me to Asia and back will be here. Trusting that the One who provided family who is loving and supportive of His call will continue to be faithful.
Apparently, Lord, I am still a mess when it comes to believing your goodness.
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