Open letter to a church pastor (and loud church members)

Dear pastor of a local church and the vocal church member who ate lunch two tables down from us-

A couple of weeks ago I visited the college and career/singles class on Sunday morning. I wanted to let you know that I walked away feeling discouraged and unwanted. I had to work that day so I could not attend my own fellowship and decided to sit in to see if it would be something that I would be interested in coming too given that my church does not have a strong single ministry. I walked away without anyone welcoming me, without anyone pointing me in the direction that I needed to go, without sharing my name. I realize that some fault may be mine and I need to be braver, however, I was disappointed that no one seemed to want to get to know the new face in the class. I did not even get greeted- I sat for an HOUR in the class alone at a table and no one spoke to me or offered to take me to coffee much less lunch. You call yourselves Southerners? I got squat. I know I put on deodorant that day!. I am just unsure that as a church who seems to take pride in their outreach, that an outsider could feel that alone.

Recently, my family and I went to at a local restaurant after church on Sunday. We sat down and I recognized the Sunday School teacher as the same person who taught the class I attended (at least I think it was same person. I was not invited to share my information with the Sunday School teachers so I have no idea who they were). Anyway, I recognized him and as we were eating lunch the loud conversation caught our attention-especially given that the restaurant was fairly empty and I am sure the wait staff and kitchen could hear their conversation . They were discussing the pastor's recent award (not in a good light), salaries of the staff (which we believed to be pennies) and the overall disappointment that their church (enter Rent song: How do you measure, measure your ministry?) is paying their pastors so much when they do not see the "fruit" of these pastors work- specifically the word they used was "productivity". SIDEBAR: How productive are you really at work, you solitaire player? (Disclaimer: this is all well and fine as within the right context; however not okay to discuss it loud and publicly). They specifically mentioned a pastor which caught our ears and my dad finally went over, introduced himself and politely, yet subtly, asked them to lower their voices.

It convicted us- my mom, dad and I- as sometimes we all get caught talking about things we shouldn't. But it hurt our view of your church,as we live close and it might be a church that we would visit in the event that we ever left our own.

I wanted you to know that while I am a big fan of your pastoral staff, some of your church members have made it difficult to see myself coming back. Please know that I am praying for you as a staff, that you will have wisdom and for the body of Christ to see themselves as what they are. Sinners, Saints, Ministers and Sharers of the Gospel... even at a local restaurant.

Stephanie Windon

Light to my path

I have been back on the east coast for the last month. And what a month.

It's been a little strange. Moving back in with my family. Going to my "home" church. Searching for a job. All with the mindset that it will be temporary.

But in all honesty, I am a little nervous that the things that I want to happen won't actually happen. Maybe I won't go overseas. Maybe I won't finish school in May.

Its the "maybe's" the kill me. They drive me nuts and I find myself in a state of panic over what may happen in the next year. Yes that's right. The next YEAR.

During my sessions with Cristy, I remember her telling me Psalm 119:105 a lot. I remember her saying that a lamp doesn't shine very far. Instead, it only lights the step ahead of us. Frustrating as it is, that's all I can see right now.... what is in front of me. I can not see or make sense of my future.

With this comes several things that I should do but that I don't want to do. One of those things is committing to serving where I am. It would be easy to float through the next year as a visitor and not really serve. Instead, God has planted me in a church with needs and in a place where I could be encouraging to those who are there. It is a church that has been home for several years and has never ceased to amaze me with its generosity, love and support of God's calling on my life. After tasting the community that I had at Southeastern and the Summit, this church proves to be a challenge.

We are all sponges. Every last one of us- whether we like it or not. We absorb things that are around us: passions, hang-ups, attitudes, mannerisms, habits, pains, joys- and these are the things that come out when life squeezes us unexpectedly. You are what you eat. But more specifically, you are what you absorb.

And fortunately, we have some serious say in what we absorb.

Let me tell you a little about the people who were in my community both at the Summit and in Asia. They are people I admire. People who are passionate and life-giving. People who have traveled and sacrificed their comfort for something bigger than themselves. People who aren't just dreamers but doers. They are people who think about the things they are passionate about instead of thinking about themselves. And they are people who are a mess, just like me. But it is because of these people I have changed.

What I have found is that freedom comes through relationship.

The people in my community now are a little older. A little wiser. A little less like me. It is an adjustment to say the least.

However, I am hoping to absorb maybe just a little bit of their calmness. Of their faithfulness. Of their belief in a faithful God. Of their daily walk and that it is what it is. A walk. A steady, daily walk where they take things day by day. And perhaps I will come to find that they are just as messed up redeemed as those in delightful people I was blessed to be around- who now cover the globe.

I may or may not be going back overseas in June. I can't see that far ahead. But what I can see is opportunities for witnessing God's faithfulness and finding new freedom in the relationships that he has placed around me. And in this new community, I may be able to find that when life does changes and my future is here, I will not be looking ahead, but remembering it is simply walking. One foot in front of the other.

Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. Psalm 119:105

Unimpressed

Despite being in California all summer, I recently had the opportunity to read and review Left at the Altar: My Story of Hope and Healing for Every Woman Who Has Felt the Heartbreak of Rejection. 


Being in counseling classes the last year, I expected so much from this book. I expected her to be encouraging and meaningful. I expected to hear her story but also hear how God was glorified. Instead, I thought don't waste your time. The story is about Kimberly, who's fiance leaves her the day before her wedding. The book actually starts out decently telling about the events of the break up. And then it quickly goes down hill. The author starts talking about the seven stages of grief and it feels more like a school text book than an inspiring story of any kind.

The redeeming quality of the book was She wraps up her book with some feedback from men regarding their perspective on why they rejected women they were in relationships with. This information may surprise you.


I received this book from BookSneeze.com and was under no obligation to give it a good review. 

Happenings

I keep sitting down to write something and then my name gets called or I am pulled away to do something different.

This summer has been crazy. I don't even know where to start. So here are a few of the things I have done this summer:
*Camp- which was insane. It was cold and wet the first couple of days then turned hot. I was not prepared. At all.
 *VBS- Its all about New York City and it makes me miss that city and those who live around it so much. I have amazing memories of NYC and am hoping that when I go visit my best friend, we will be able to see the city again.
*Host Homes- Living out of a suitcase is more annoying than I thought it would be. My host homes however have been fantastic. Very loving, very concerned and very open to whatever it is that I may or may not need.
*Having only one partner- again more annoying than I thought it would be. I wish there was more of us to share the workload.
*Spending the day in San Francisco- what an incredible city. It is so beautiful and so unique. I wish I could have spent more time there. My heart broke for the people there and the need that I saw. Words can not describe how much I feel in love with this city....
*Spending time with other believers- I feel like I have learned so much this summer. Part of the reason why I fell in love with my small group in North Raleigh was because they followed the Bible. I see people out here trying to. I can sit and tell them what I would do or try to give them a seminary response, the fact is these people want to follow Jesus. It is written all over their actions, words and faces.

I am not sure what I was expecting this summer. I have definitely had to fight feelings of frustration when I look at other peoples pictures from their summer adventures and think "ugh, Lord, I could have done that. Why did you put me somewhere where I feel like I fail more than anything else?"

Truthfully, I have often times felt like a failure this summer. Maybe not so much in my words or actions, but in simply thinking I should know what to do or say and instead I have no idea.

In the past couple of weeks, God has been gracious. He has shown new mercies every day. Instead of condemning me, I am able to stand free. It has been a humbling experience and hopefully something that God will continue to use even after I head home in 1.5 weeks.

"You make all things work together for my good..."


P.S. So it turns out I will be staying on the east coast to finish my degree this year. Opportunities though for after I finish have started to show and I am in need of prayer for discernment. Also pray for focus! I get distracted so easily. :)

Psalm 23

I am currently waiting for Netflix to load and decided to write a blog.

What a strange week it has been. My car was loaded (thanks to the help of some fabulous people... ahem Hannah Mack and The Pipers and my Mom and Dad), driven to Virginia and sort of unloaded.... in order or stuff which I feel like I will need in the next two weeks.

But the strangeness really happened today. I did nothing.
Not really nothing. I went grocery shopping with my dad, used a Starbucks gift card that I got for my birthday, watched a movie, watched the Bachelorette, ate, took a walk, texted some favorites back in Raleigh. But I didn't rush anywhere. I didn't have to go to work. I didn't have to write a paper or watch any children. I didn't have small group.

It was strange. I felt like I needed to be somewhere.
Then I got an e-mail. An e-mail that asked if I was interested in being an intern with a church plant in Washington. I started freaking out.

I get bored really easily. I think it's a matter of I feel like I need to be used or doing something.
The reality is the e-mailed freaked me out because I needed something to do. Instead of trusting God and God's sovereign plan over my life, I stressed out that perhaps this is where he wants me or maybe I have been wrong, or what if the place where I am in the fall requires support raising and that's just hard to do in California.

So while at Starbucks getting my free drink, I started reading Psalm 23. Such a familiar passage with familiar saying that many times I glaze over. The point of the passage though is not me. It is not about who I am or what I have done. It is about Christ. Christ leads me to still waters, Christ restores my soul and ultimately, Christ brings me home. I sat in silence (well as much as I could as Starbucks was blasting Lady Gaga) and tried to focus my heart on those truths.
That while nothing goes as I plan, everything is under His authority and in His control.

 "Will you lead me beside the still water? Where oil, it runs over, and my cup overflows. You restore my soul."

Going.... again.

As I sit in my last class of the semester, I am being challenged by my missions class perhaps for the first time all semester.

This class has been a struggle for me because I love missions. I love the people that go. The people that send. The people who leverage their lives for the gospel. I love that God has called me to be a part of something big.

Then came the harshness. My professor started to yell at us. Not in a mean way but in a very real way. He said, "We haven't really submitted to Christ until Christ ask us to go and do something we don’t want to do." 


I have committed my summer and possibly my next year to living on the West Coast. This summer I will be in California working with churches doing VBS camps and local ministries. The fall will bring me to Seattle (hopefully) where I will be working with students at U of W. 


I am excited but there is so much in me that doesn't want to go. I want to stay here. I want to keep my friends. I want to keep my small group. I am scared about what this next year will bring. I am scared about how to work with college students in the fall or failing this summer. 


So when I heard this, I realized that I am giving up things that I fought hard for. That I struggled to find. That I missed in China. I fear that I will lose everything. 
So in preparation for this, I have been reading Philippians and the thing that God has been reminding me over and over is, "For me, to live is Christ." This is where I want my heart to be. I want to life to be centered around Christ. Not Christ plus my friends. Not Christ plus my classes. But Christ and Christ alone. He has called me to do things like leave (again). Leave my comforts. Leave my family. Leave everything that I currently hold very dear to go and serve Him. 


And it will be worth it.

New Blog.

I recently have decided to dedicate an entire blog to the conversations that I have. You can read about it here:

http://smalltalkandthosewhomakeit.blogspot.com

With taking missions this semester and the new opportunities that I am being given I thought it would be a fun experiment to show people my struggles with sharing the gospel as well as share the wheres, the hows and the whos I tend to interact with.

Enjoy!

Freezer Cooking Day Wednesday

Tonight, I do not have small group. It's a blessing really as many of the family's I am working with have been sick. So instead, my roommate and I decided to make pancakes for dinner and have a reading party. In addition I will be cooking and freezing some meals for the next week or so.

On the Menu:

PB and J- in grape and strawberry varieties
Tuna Sandwiches- instead of using mayo I will be using dressing.
Brown Bag Burritos (with a twist of turkey instead of ground beef)
Pancakes- whats left over I will freeze.
Baked Ziti   well actually it's baked pasta.

So excited for freezer cooking day!

My menu for the next couple of weeks include these as well as some items that I already have in the freezer.

Pleasing

This whole week I have been faced with the idea of who am I pleasing.

It started on Tuesday sitting across from a friend telling how much I wish I could just but my pride "won't let me". The reality is that I am making a choice not to change. I am choosing the way that seems easier and instantly gratifying although I know in my head and heart that I am suppose to make a different choice.

The next night my student small discussed the heart that drives us to make decisions. I had a bunch of ethics class reruns going on my head. I knew that I should make decisions based out of of obedience. I knew my choices should reflect a heart that has been forgiven, accepted and covered by grace. Instead, I was still selfishly believing that I knew better.

Finally yesterday came. Thursdays are my long days. I have such mixed emotions about them. I start my day at 6 a.m and generally go until 9 p.m. It's a long day with about 3 hours of break in the middle. I tend to get a lot done whether going to the post office, getting school supplies, reading and other things. When I got to my last job, I was still thinking about what it means to live a life that is pleasing to God. The woman that I worked for had a list of things that her children needed to do (i.e. pick up the playroom, pick up the shoes and so on) before they could play.

I woke up the 3 year old twins about 3:40 and this was the conversation:
Me: Before we play, we have to clean up a little.
Sammy: Why?
Me: Because cleaning up will make your Mommy happy.
Macey: And she will give us hugs and kisses?
Me: Well, she will do that anyway because she loves you guys. But we are going to clean up because it will make her smile.

I, in no way, want to endorse that we have to do things in order to get God to love us. But the conversation mirrors the relationship that we should have. We do things not because it will make God love us more or less. We do it because we want to make Him happy. We want to please him. I desperately want to please me parents. I attempt good grades and try to be wise with my money. Not because if I fail they will love me any differently but because when I do those things it reflects on them and how they invested in me. The way that I want to please God should echo in the way that I want to please them. 

I don't know best. But I can make the choice to lay down what pride I have and live a life that is pleasing to Him.

"So that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience,  and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light." Colossians 1:10-12

A Billion Reasons Why

I love Kristen Billerbeck. Easily one of my favorite authors. He mix of reality and God make for fun and fast reads. This book A Billion Reasons Why was not a let down. I loved how Billerbeck mentions Glee, Justin Beiber and much more made this book interesting without too much trying.

Katie is about to get engaged to a safe and somewhat boring man but still has feeling for a college sweetheart, who also happens to be a billionaire. This book speaks very indirectly to trusting in God when it comes to relationships.  One of my favorite quotes of the book was, "No one who truly understands grace will tell a person their sin is beyond it" (252).  It is such a  wonderful statement that shows that people can move on from their past and  be in grace of God, living a life that please him.

I have never been let down by Billerbeck and this book was no exception. I think she has redefined Christian romance in a good way. It was a wonderful winter read and comes highly recommended (along with all of her other books as well).

Cooking Adventures

Tonight I cooked. I love cooking. Tonight I made an Italian dish, salad and bread.

The dish is called Everything Italian. It is so good!

Here's the recipe:
1 box your choice of pasta. I used penne in this.
1 jar of meat suace
1 8 ounce can of ricotta cheese
1 bag of shredded cheese (Mozzarella or Italian mix will work)
1 pound of meat. I used turkey.

Brown meat and cook pasta. Pre-heat over to 425. In a 9x9 inch pan layer the ingredients. First layer pasta, second layer meat, third layer sauce, fourth layer ricotta cheese then a handful of the shredded cheese. Continue to layer until there is no more room. Bake for 20 to 25 minutes or until cheese is brown on top.

It is one of my favorites to cook and since my apartment always has pasta and sauce the whole meal for two cost about 10 dollars.




Looking forward to next weekends adventure!

Goals 2011

I am generally not a person who sets new years resolutions or long term goals in general. I like the short term- easy to see results method. In most cases, it's good for me. I set a time limit on when my room should be clean, laundry should be done, homework finished. It's a good plan. However, I am coming to realize that small steps towards a big goal are still steps. Even when I get frustrated and want to quit or fail. It's what I do after that.


So in an effort to make some changes, I have a list of goals (reasonably set so I can actually achieve them) which I will now share with the blogging world so that maybe I can have some form accountability.

1. Eat healthier. It seems like this is a common NYR but I have been experimenting over the last year and find that when I eat healthier I have more energy, more drive, less down days. It sounds cliche but I am sure that when Daniel told the king's helper that they would only eat fruits and vegetables because it was glorifying to God....God knew what he was doing when. It's what our bodies were created for. To glorify God. It's still something that I am praying for strength about because... it's hard. Lets face it. Deliverance is never an easy process. The Israelites complained that being in Egypt would be better than being the desert. I would rather be held captive by something I know brings "comfort, joy, pleasure" then actually turn to God who although has proven faithful I am still unable to trust in.

2. Spend more time with my roommates. One of my roommates is crazy. The other is quiet. It's hard when the polar opposites make me what to run in my room and hide. But I am coming to realize that God can teach me through either roommate. There are lessons that need to be learnt and bonds that need to be made. I have failed at this miserably in the past. It's time to start pouring my life into the ones that live closest to me.

3. Find something to do where I can share the gospel. No seriously. I haven't decided what yet but I need to figure out something. Right now I am praying. But I am almost think it's time to start acting as well.

That's it so far. I have minor goals such as keeping things cleaner and making sure that I get everything do but that's what post-it notes are for. In the middle of all of those daily, minor goals, maybe I can squeeze one or tow of my major goals in and celebrate the freedom, friendship and salvation that has been given to me by a great and mighty God.

Where Hearts are Free- Golden Parsons

The story is set in Philadelphia 1681. It revolves around Bridget Barrington and the Clavell family. The book deals with how in spite of all odds and seemingly insurmountable obstacles, love and faith in God finally triumph.

I usually love to read. I can finish a book quickly and enjoy about 85 percent of what I pick up. Where Hearts are Free was a different story. I got the book about 3 months ago. It has taken me three months to read it. I pick it from Book Sneeze.com because I liked the cover. Call me stupid but I do think that a books cover has a lot to do with whether or not I will like it. I assumed that I would like this one. That it would take me back to my youth when I use to devour books like these. Perhaps this is just a lesson that I must read the entire series seeing as this was the last book. Or maybe this book is just another proof that I have grown up.

The main character Bridget, is a bit whiny and selfish and I didn't actually start to like her until the end of the story. That aside, that book seemed predictable and boring. I knew what was going to happen. I knew that despite the authors attempt to put barriers between Bridget and her love they would end up together in the end... with a little bit of God thrown in there.

I suppose this book will teach me a lesson not to pick a book simply because of it's cover. The cover may have been appealing but the storyline left much to be desired.

I got this book for free from booksneeze.com. I’m not required to give a positive review.