Asking for a Pony

In the car yesterday, I began to think about a new blog. I have been typing papers, exams and study guides and thought maybe I should type up something a little more joyful.

I realized something yesterday. A road not taken. A door that was shut. Yesterday marked almost exactly 4 years since I sit in the living room of the house that Hannah and I shared. It was 4 years ago that I made the decision to not continue an interview that would have taken me to Florida. It was 4 years ago I decided to go home.

4 years.

So much has happened in 4 years. Nothing has happened like I thought it would. Instead of being overseas still, I am in Wake Forest, North Carolina. In so many ways I am still wondering where life is going and am waiting with just as much anticipation as I did 4 years ago. I feel this way every Christmas. I think it started when I was younger. I was more interested in the presents and hated waiting through the Christmas story that we would read before we could rip into the pile of Christmas goodies.

I am in the middle of reading a book called How People Change by Paul David Tripp and writing an application paper for it. The book doesn't say anything new but it is reminding me that although life seems a bit out of control, God is still working.

I think back to 4 years and the 6ish months that followed. I didn't know what God was doing. I was lonely and working like crazy. I was watching friends get married and my heart was breaking because it seemed like God has forgotten me. In China, similar emotions were felt.

But 4 years ago, I knew that God would be faithful. I knew that He would take care of me. I knew it even if I didn't believe it all the time. I knew that God would show himself in a big way. I was waiting expectantly for him to show up.

It seems like every year at Christmas, I wait for the same thing. I wait for something big to happen and believe that God will do something big. But it's almost as if I miss out on what God has done. I miss the fact that the greatest thing that He could have done happened already. I miss the fact that He sent his Son to die for me. Instead I get distracted by other things. Maybe not by presents like when I was younger, but by what I have not be given the past year.

In 2011, I will watch friends get married, have children, move to exciting new places. It's hard not to look at there lives point at God and say, "I want THAT" as if I am asking for a pony. It's hard to not look at my life  and say, "Did you forget about me? Do you still have plans?"  I reflect over the last year and think "wow, if I had it my way that's not what I would have chosen. But God continues to show himself faithful". He continues to provide.

But this year, I have realized that as many times as I ask those questions, God's soft and gentle response has been showing me his faithfulness. He is showing me his patience with me and my impatience. He is showing me his love to the people I deem unlovable.

Maybe this year, instead of choosing to whine and look at my life wondering "Why not me? Why not now? Now seems like a good time for ______!" I can choose to be thankful not matter the circumstance. I can realize that the greatest gift of life has been given and that is enough for me to satisfied.

Being Still

Recently, as in last night, I rented and watched the newest Karate Kid. I never saw the old version but I was interested in this movie because they filmed it in China. Throughout the movie, I kept tearing up thinking, I remember buses similar to that, parks similar to that, the language, the people. My heart ached just a little.

It happens frequently. Something will remind me of the past and my heart aches a little. I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back to China, back to Liberty, back to high school. I wish I was different then. I wish I could change some of the things I said or did.

However, I can't go back.

I fight this reality daily. Maybe it's because there were things that were comforting in each of those places. I had questions, but they never surfaced as much as what questions seem to surface now. Daily I am faced with questions like what is your degree program? What do you want to do with your life? What is God calling you to?

I get so frustrated not knowing the answer. I feel like a failure for not knowing. I feel like I should be doing something. I feel like I should be making a decision about overseas or not overseas, teaching or not teaching, the list goes on.

Instead, I am frustrated that I don't know. That I have ideas but no real direction. I have plans, but no real confirmation. I have dreams but not a whole lot to build on.

The most recent question that has come up is "Why am I in seminary?" I suppose if I am honest then I have to say right now because God has not called me to do anything else. He has not opened doors to go anywhere else. He has not supplied ways and means yet for me to move on. So I am here. In the in between. Waiting. Wondering. Questioning.

Then I watched The Karate Kid.
At one point in the movie, Mr Han says "Being still and doing nothing are two very different things."

I can not look at my life right now as doing nothing. Even if it sometimes feels like it.
No instead, I have to be still before God. God has taken me into a season where he is preparing me for something. What that something is I don't know yet. But He is still working. He is not doing nothing. He has called me to be still before Him. It's like one of those be anxious for nothing moments.

In being still before Him and waiting on Him, He gets to do great work. In being still before Him, the pressure is off me in sharing the gospel because I know people are ultimately not rejecting me and He is doing the work. In being still before Him, I don't have to worry about my future because He is doing the work. I just have to wait and follow where he leads.

So in the month of thankfulness I am thankful for His grace and mercy. I am thankful for His patience. I am thankful for His forgiveness. I am thankful that He is doing a great work even though more often than not He ask me to be still.

“Be still, and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10

Reasons Why I Hate Sharing the Gospel

Before anyone gets all uptight and worried that this seminary students hates sharing the gospel- please read it all the way through and ask yourself honestly if you are a Great Commission Christian. I imagine there are more like me- but to many are scared to admit it because of reputation or guilt.

In the past couple of months, I have met with, followed, read up on my friends Bryan and Megan Barley's church plant. They will be heading to Denver in January and I am so incredibly excited for them! I love the fact that they will be going with a team of 8 or so to plant their lives. They are not planning to return to the east coast to live. They are not planning to stay for a few years then come back so that Bryan can pastor a larger church. I love that they have started to get to know their team here in Raleigh before moving to Denver. I love that they are living out the Gospel here. It seems like good practice.

As much as I love them, admire them and think "wow what a great job they are doing" I feel like I am a bystander. I am not one to go out and live the gospel. I blame my job, my location, my current educational goals. The reality is that I am just to scared, to busy and to apathetic to share with other people. The questions that go through my head when I think I should share the Gospel are things like "Do I want them to say yes? Does that mean I now have to disciple them? Is that worth the time? Do I have the time?" So instead of dealing with these answers, I simply choose not to ask God to present me with opportunities. Or I ask God to present me with opportunities but chicken out when it comes time to follow through.

A recent conversation with one of my friends really exposed this sin. This friend and her husband are questioning what to do next after the internship. I told her to start praying with the Great Commission in mind. But as I sat and talked with her, I realized I need to pray it as well.

I have big dreams of living in a city full of people. Of not having to drive my car everywhere. Of being able to invite my non Christians friends to my house to play games, to eat dinner, to watch movies, to love them, serve them, share Jesus with them. But I am not doing that now. Instead I am focused on the couch that looks like it came from a nursing home.

I write this knowing that we are all gifted in different ways. But the command is to go and make disciples. I am not even doing the "go" part much less the "make disciples" part. I am not building relationships being open about my faith so that as people watch me live and watch how my life has been changed by the Gospel, people wonder why I am different.

I don't tip that much when I go out to eat or to a coffee shop.
I don't always buy things when I go shopping.
I don't make an effort to help people in need unless it's during the week of ServeRDU (which is like an outreach week with my church here in Raleigh/Durham).
I don't question people about their faith and walk with God.
I send people to hell because I don't care enough that Jesus came so that all who believe in Him will be saved.
Even if I do care, I don't actually live out that Jesus is enough because I spend money foolishly or whine about current circumstances and how I wish my life was different.


So if you have made it this far in reading this blog- pray for me. Pray for courage. Pray for wisdom. Pray for the knowledge that Christ' blood covers all sins. Pray that even when I fail in sharing, I can repent and live in the joy that Christ has set me free from sin. Pray that the reality of that will shake me to boldness that all may know and submit to God's authority.

Transforming Church in Rural America by Shannon O’Dell

Transforming Church in Rural America is one of those books that I am thankful to have in my library. As a seminary student, learning from others seems to be my job. So when I found this book on BookSneeze.com, I thought what an interesting title.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading through his stories and how O'Dell mixes in some practical advice from church planters. The primary audience is the rural church. However, I do believe that something can be found for everyone. Any church planter, pastor, even a dedicated member can tell you that the church body is filled with people who want things their way and are not likely to accept change easily. O'Dell even comments, “When you begin to live out a God-sized vision, it is guaranteed that people will start barking.” Sometimes as Christians we think that simply because our dreams are God-give, people will fall naturally in line. However this is not always the case. In fact, many are resistant to the cost, the time and the energy it takes to start something new. Many times people want to vote and have the vote be unanimous. The biggest thing that I walked away from was O'Dells calling to the church. It truly proves that God's ways are not our own.

The things that I struggle with are the fact that O'Dell's church is an icampus (online version) and it's multisite. Being involved with a multi site church myself I did not take up an interest. However the way that it read was that O'Dell seemed more interested in the numbers of the church rather than allowing God to take the credit and glory for the growth of his church.

I enjoyed the book and am very thankful to be able to learn form other people's experience.



I got this book for free from booksneeze.com. I’m not required to give a positive review.

Nothing Can Separate

The other day I commented that I wanted to see the Social Network. I haven't yet but the next day I was on Facebook and notice that a friend had changed her relationship status from married to single and taken all of her wedding pictures down. It may not seem like a big deal but it does make me wonder if she and her husband have split.

I wonder about whose fault it was. I wonder whose decision it was to end it. I wonder what they church did to support and counsel them through. I want to call without it being weir or like I am being nosy. I look for someone to blame. I want to blame their parents for not properly showing them what marriage was when they were children. I want to blame the husband for maybe being too involved with work. I want to blame the wife for spending too much time with friends. 

I look for someone to blame then I feel a sens of pride and irritation come in. I feel irritated that God has me single. I feel prideful in thinking that difficult choices and the urge to call it quits would never enter into my thoughts as a married person. 

It's then I realize that I leave God all the time. I think that I know best and that I know what to do and ultimately I end more messed up than when I started. I am not sure why the one relationship that holds the promise that I will never be alone is the one that I forsake the most. Why I seek comfort in things that I know will not satisfy. Why I long for things that will never truly fulfill what I think I need. 

It is then that I remember that we all fall short. I am reminded that He is the one, in this relationship, who is all in and not me. That I am no better than the girl who is getting divorced, who is struggling with addictions, who is pregnant and considering abortion. I am in just as much in need of God's grace, love and forgiveness as they are. It is also then that I remember that no sin is outside the Cross. That nothing I can do will ever separate me from God's love.

It's with those reminders that I pray. For forgiveness. For wisdom. For love.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

Supporting Actress

For those that don't know me, I have a love/hate relationship with Hollywood. I am very critical of many of the movies and television that I watch. While I never really stop watching the ones I am most critical of, I do sit there and question the judegement calls made by characters as well as actors/actresses that portray the characters.

Today though, in my weekly Friday meeting, I was reminded of the part that I am to play in the grand story of life. It is a part that is not center stage or even a main role. It is a supporting role. One that I often times struggle with. I don't always live my life believing that my role is to support the One who bled on a cross forme. I don't believe that living my life so it allows Him to shine will ultimately bring me more satisfaction than if I were to take center stage and rewrite the story.

My role has not yet been well defined. Unlike a predictable movie, I have no idea what the future holds. I want so badly to be part of the story but am unhappy when my part is to wait patiently in a corner letting the True main Charater take the stage and shine brightly.

The thing is that supprting roles are often easier. They don't have to learn as many lines and what they do say reflects on the main character and point of the story.

My part in the story? To glorify God. It is the only thing that matters when it comes to playing my part. So whether it's eating pizza and watching television with my roommates so that we can become closer as sisters in Christ, uplifting my leaders in ministry and celebrating them when they have triumphs, or allowing myself to be open about what hurts and what needs to be broken by God so that I can be changed into more like Christ, my goal as the supporting actress stays the same.

It's all for Him.

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31

Police Officers

I thought I would write a "short" blog about the past month... or so.

But then I decided that since I make so many comments in real-life conversations, I would blog about some fun things that happened that will be finishing up this week!

Around August 7th, I was driving to a little town in the middle of no where called Fuquay. Fuquay is far. Like really far. No seriously it was an hour drive for me. So, because of this long car ride I needed to get gas.
Get gas. Check.
Get in car. Check.
Pull out of gas station. Check.
Get pulled over 2ish minutes later. Check.

I forgot the seatbelt. Sigh. Plus in addition to the citation, I get one for not having a valid NC drivers license.

But wait....

I AM A STUDENT!!!!

ack. So this Thursday at 7:45 in the morning I get to go stand in line at the courthouse to see if my fine can be reduced.

The day after I was at an interview. That day was one of the hottest of the summers (no seriously... fried egg anyone?) so being me, I left my window down.
In the middle of the interview, I saw a man reach into my car to steal my GPS. I repeat STEAL MY GPS!!!
So the mom, the 3 year old boy, their 3 legged dog (he lost a leg in a car accident) and I go running to meet the thief.  Thankfully I got my GPS back.

Finally, Sunday on my way to OBX, I got distracted and didn't notice was talking on the phone  anyway, i went over the speed limit. Yep, yours truly got a another ticket.

The state of North Carolina should use the 350ish dollars that I will be giving them to do something fun... like finish the construction on Glenwood sooner or expand Capitol and take down some traffic lights... or build a monument in my honor for stopping a GPS robbery.

Needless to say, I have had enough dealings with policemen to last the rest of my seminary career. Also, I have decided to move to a city with a subway system. Then all I would have to worry about is my wallet, germs, wierd people on the subway, having enough money to buy the tickets.....

The Not Yet

I have commented on this blog about the "not yet"s before. But this is a blog dedicated to the many desires, dreams and goals that I have to remind myself that I must wait for. Not because these things are not good or because I am somehow living in sin, but because God has something better in store for me. In the right now.

much of this has been discussed by my roommate, Kristin and I. I can not take all of the credit as it has been her to keep reminded me of the fact that God has something better in store.

1. Marriage. Believe me it is NOT fun to go to a wedding by MYSELF! I love dancing, I hate dancing alone. I love eating, I hate eating alone. I love oohing and ahhing.... and I have friends that help me do that. But still, it is had to see the tangible blessings of singleness when I keep hearing that "Marriage is wonderful".
My way to respond to this: "Not yet, God has something better. A better purpose for me being single RIGHT NOW/"

2. Job. I love the flexibilty of my job. I love the pay. I hate the unsteadiness. I would like a job that pays better, that gives me freedom to study and hang out with friends and chances to witness.
My way to respond "Not yet, God has something better but wants to teach me something RIGHT NOW." (I think that God wants me to witness to people at Starbucks personally...)

3. Ministry. I really, really want to figur eout my place in ministry. Right now I feel like I am just floating a long not really doing anything.
My way to respond "Not yet. God has something bigger plan for me RIGHT NOW."

I feel like there are lessons that I need to learn in each area and it's not that I have to wait until each lesson is fully learned before I can move on in these areas but more that I am walking humbly with God and seeking His face. It's then that the "Not Yets" seem to ease me soul and allow me to remember that God is not yet finished with me-but that He will complete the good work that He started.

No Weapon

I have been wrestling with this blog for a while now. In fact, camp was when I first started to think about this.

Our worship leader, Aaron Keyes, was singing a song (the name I am drawing a blank on) but one of the lines was "No weapon formed against me will prosper." I remember praying that night, feeling thankful that it was true. But not until the week later did I really come back to this and begin to meditate on this.

You see- I want things. I want marriage and a family. I want to not be in debt (school loans and such). I want a car that doesn't overheat at random and makes noises. I want to have friends that stick around for longer than a year. Or as my last post said, I want a pretty white Apple computer.

So many times I focus on my wants. Even the things I say I need (which honestly, I imagine I could live without).

The promise that no weapon formed against me will prosper is often one that I don't claim. I let the weapon of discouragement, disillusion and worry overtake my thoughts. I allow the roots of bitterness to take hold of my heart- especially when I see or want something that I don't have or feel is being "withheld" from me.

The truth is that no weapon, nothing, can separate me from the love of God. The truth is that Christ defeated death and now I can stand in Him, boldly approaching grace and walking humbly with God. Discouragement and anxiety have no authority over me and I can rest knowing that Christ has overcome. Whats more is that this allows me to be free- free from guilt, from condemnation, from sin.

So, as I have been learning about choices, today I will choose to rest in the promise. I will choose to rest in the promise that Christ has come to give life. I will choose to rest in His forgiveness.

I will choose to rest in the knowledge that because I am His child- no weapon formed against me will prosper.

"But no weapon that is formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue that shall rise against you in judgment you shall show to be in the wrong. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord; this is the righteousness or the vindication which they obtain from Me, says the Lord."
Isaiah 54:17

Lessons from the Apple Store

Today I got to hang out with a fantastic 8th grader (almost 9th grader) at the mall. We wandered into the Disney store talking about what we liked, what we didn't like, our families, our favorite superheroes, and our God. One of the places we visited was the Apple store.

I must admit I love Apple products. I don't own many and the ones that I did own... well we won't revisit the heartache. But I do love the products. I love how white and clean they are. I love how much they can do... if you know how to work them correctly. I don't like the price.

As my wonderful friend and I were walking out, I commented about how I would love to take an Apple sticker and put it on my Toshiba (a durable, reliable computer that I love as well) and call it an Apple.

Any 5 year old would laugh at this. Actually- my 14 year old friend laughed. It sounds ridiculous. And would probably look just as ridiculous.

But it started me thinking. How many times do I simply want the label? I don't actually want to pay the price for the best thing or for the right thing. I simply want the recognition for whatever it is. I don't want to put in the time or work in order to get a nice pretty white Apple computer. I want the cheaper version- the sticker. I want the label. The label is easier. It can be peeled off if I don't like it.

The thing about stickers- they fade. Start to lose sticky-ness. Get worn out.

I wonder how many times I do that in life in general. How many times I want to be known as a "Christian" but not really make time for Jesus, fellowship with believers, serve, give, love, go? I sometimes am satisfied with simply wanting to be known as someone moral... the relationship with Christ oftentimes comes second.

I will admit that I struggle with this a lot. Jesus has asked me- commanded me- to leave behind every idol- to seek after Him even if it cost my life and I am satisfied to put sticker on myself? A sticker that may change my behaviors for a few weeks but honestly a sticker that will not last?

The thing is Apple computers are expensive.
My life was expensive.

Apple computers I would have to buy.
My life- all I have to do is commit and follow where He leads.

I may never upgrade my gray trusty Toshiba to the prettiness that is the white Apple macbook.

But Jesus went to the cross so that my sin, my debt, my stain could be wiped clean and made white. He died so that I wouldn't have to cover my shame with a label but that I could live- fully and freely in Him. His grace covers every shame, every sin- it does not fade or lose it's grasp.

That is far better than a sticker.


Psalm 25:10 "All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful for those who keep his commands."

Proofreading

Today, I had an job interview for a copy editing position. I am not really sure what the difference is between copy editing and proofreading. In fact, I am fairly certain that there is no difference besides the title.

Proofreading is correcting someones mistakes so that the piece becomes better. A newspaper that has not be read, re-read, and read again is probably not going to be well received.

It started me thinking. I have been told and feeling the need to get involved with a small group. Part of a proofreader job is to make things sound better. Part of the small group job is to sharpen one another. Truth spoken in love. Sharing burdens. Encouraging. Making life better.

I can't help but think "I need people in my life to point me to Christ". I need people who are willing to lovingly point out the sin that separates me from God and then come along side me to encourage the change. My life needs to be proofread, because I often times have blinders on. The blinders that cause me to be judgmental towards other people's shortcomings and falls. Blinders that make me forget that all have sinned and I am included in that all. Blinders that do not allow me to see sin in my own life.

Proofreading is important. Important for the high school student who needs a good grade, for the blogger who wants to be read and for the reporter whose job depends on how well his story is put together.

Examining our lives in the light of the Cross and in light of God's word is important as well. I know I can do that alone, but sometimes the load is a little lighter with someone to help along the way. Much the same way that Christian in Pilgrim's Progress needed Faithful and Hopeful, I need people in my life to help me find my faith, remind me of God's faithfulness and encourage me to never lose hope.

I really want this job.
I really need friends to help me in times of need.
I am really thankful for a God who supplies even though I don't always see how.


Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Faithless

I have been thinking about something to write all week.

Without a study job it's easy to sit in my room and think about all the things I would like to write, read or do. Then it's easy to push it off until tomorrow.

Thursday was a day were I decided it was time. Time to stop sitting around and be active about a job. 2 applications were put on hold for a little while until this week for "group interviews". 1 application was accepted and Thursday evening I went through another group interview. However, I have not received a phone call for any job. *sigh*

It was on the way home that I got mad. I was frustrated with God, with myself, with the lack of encouragement. Why would God keep me here in North Carolina if He was not going to provide? Where was His faithfulness, His goodness, His love in my time of need? Why does it seem like everyone around me is getting blessed.... maybe they don't even see it in comparison to where I sat it seemed like God was withholding something. Something good.

In the middle of highway 98 it hit me. Maybe God was not withholding so much as he was protecting. Maybe not in the sense that He is protecting me from something bad but for a deeper relationship with Him. When I am busy and scheduled I often leave God out of the picture thinking I cannot make time for him, I have too much other good things to do. The reality is that I sometimes get it backwards. I do for approval, not for His glory. I do for my gain and not for his. I do because it makes me feel good not because of the reality of hell or the reality of the cross.

Without a job, I am having to trust Him more, talk to Him more, and learn about Him more. It is difficult because sometimes I don't see the fruit. I get frustrated and unsure and start to doubt His love. I start losing faith. So when 2nd Timothy 2:13 was brought up in my meeting on Friday, I couldn't help but relate and feel a tiny bit encouraged. He IS faithful even though I am not. He IS staying with me, even when I can't see. He IS in control even though my small revolves-around-me world seems to be falling apart.

He is faithful. To forgive, to love, to pursue.

Intentional Part 2

I didn't mean for this to become a series. I swear.

I thought I was done.

And then God did something today that made me laugh. Out loud.

I have been telling everyone, I need a job. June 1st. That's my deadline. My payers had become, Lord I need a job June 1st. No specifics. No I would like the job to be a consistent, paying job with consistent hours. Half way trusting. Resigning to the idea that June 1st was an impossible dream.
Then I get a phone call. I am needed Tuesday (June 1st) for a one-time 11-5 babysitting job.
Well played God.

Here's the thing: I am not intentional with my praying. I ask God to show me things. To show me how to love like He does without conditions, to give like He does without concern and to die to my selfishness so that I can live through Him. But, as good as that sounds, I just pray it. I just use words that sound seminary like and then move about my day wondering why my heart is unchanged. I don't actually expect God to show up, to show power, to show His glory off like He has done, is doing and will do.

Recently at a Elevate, Jason Gaston challenged the students to be intentional with sticky notes. 5 people that they could witness too and writing down their names so that they could pray intentionally for those people that God would open doors and hearts for the Gospel.

Confession: I don't have 5 people.

Yet.

Maybe it's time to pray intentionally. For my heart to be softened and my words to be His. Praying intentionally that the God of salvation would move in Raleigh-Durham, The US and the World, not resigning myself and telling myself that the prayer may be too big.

And then believe He will show up in big ways because it's not too difficult for Him to do that.

Daniel 9:18b
" We do not make requests of you because we are righteous, but because of your great mercy."

Intentional

It's been a rough couple of weeks as normal. Exams, finals and papers have had my attention.

But one thing that I learning is how to pray expectantly. So much of my life is lived with the "okay God said 'no'" mentality. I accept that He said no without actually continuing to ask and fall on my face before Him. And while there are times I think the answer is no, maybe He wants me to be more persistent. To prove how much I long for His involvement and to seek Him more. Or maybe it's that I assume the answer will be no so I don't actually get into a conversation with Him about it and try to figure it out on my own.

Confession: I don't actually believe He will do the impossible.

Maybe it's my perspective. That God does show up in the small things and answers even my littlest needs.

But I am finding myself wondering if its more. I wonder if I brush aside a small answer, not giving Him glory for the little things and then wondering why He doesn't seem to fixing the greater problems.

There is a Chinese painting on my wall. It say's "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us". Not only does God do the things greater than I imagine but He does them according to the power within me. I don't claim that nearly enough.

And I need to realize that
there are days, when the answers come.
The wait has been so worth it.
The amount of rejoicing in my heart spills over into dancing and praising and worshipping the Only One who could ever save.

The majority of my time feels like I am waiting. Where the "Not Yet" seems to be taking forever and almost feels like a no.

But I know I am waiting because the day will come. It will come when I praying intentionally, expecting a big answer from a great God. Until then I will go looking for trouble because a Friend of mine dragged me into this. He called from on High and He spoke about the “least of these.” He said He would do something in my days that I wouldn’t believe, even if I were told.

So, each and every week, I walk this city. I will go looking. I will walk where the people are. I will ask that barriers be broken down, I will ask for the Son to shine, I will ask simply that the blind will finally See. Living intentionally and trying my best to see and believe that God's not finished.

Not yet.

Just Keep Swimming

The movie Finding Nemo came to mind today.

I feel a bit useless and restless where I am right now. June 12th is my last babysitting job and after that I have no idea where rent money, food money, gas money will come from. I find myself reverting back to my ways in August where worry and stress take the place of joy and peace and patience. I wonder where God is taking me and what the rest of my life will look like.

So today- instead of worry about June 13th, August 2010, or five years from now, I am going to get through the day. I am going to keep breathing. I am going to live in the present where God is and trust that the ultimate "I AM" will continue to show himself as patient, loving, kind and working for my good- even if I don't believe it or get frustrated with my life right now.

Today I will keep swimming.

7.5

Its been 7.5 months since I have come back from China. And honestly I have moments where I wonder if life has really changed. Oh yes, I no longer have to make Mexican food from scratch or ride a bus or wonder if I will lose my life on the back of a motor bike. But there are days when I catch myself doing these things:

*wondering around a store because things are grouped together in ways that I don't understand. The Chinese stores started making sense.
*thinking about this cost in RMB instead of dollars and convincing myself of what is cheap.
*wondering why no one is staring at me when I go into a mall.
*wondering why the mall is only 2 stories.
*wondering why the tv shows or movies do not have subtitles in Chinese or funny English ones.
*thinking any day a website will be blocked for no reason.
*missing my students so much its hard to breathe.

There is this moment just before I wake up when I think I will go backwards in time. I wake up in my stuffy, hot apartment on a bed that should have been thrown away several years ago, throw on clothes and walk down the street trying to convince myself it will be a good day. I got into work and walk up the first flight of stairs and am greeted with 60 hugs and my name being called. The second flight leads to my classroom, 50 more hugs and more of my name. Life seems to be better. Too make sense. Too not hurt quite as much.

It's been 7 and half months and I realize how long its been since I was given or gave a genuine hug. I know it could be a love language and blah blah blah but some days I wonder if there were healing powers in the hugs I got in China. The precious hearts of my 3, 4 and 5 year olds who loved me without condition, wanting to share their days and needing a hug almost as much as I did.

I miss them.... and while I am so thankful to be where I am not a day goes by that I don't wonder if I was a good teacher, if they remember, if they saw Jesus in me. And really its in those moments I need a hug the most.

7 Quick Takes Friday..... on Tuesday

I should do a real post soon..... I may do it sometime this week

#1

Elevate (as defined by free dictionary.com):

To move (something) to a higher place or position from a lower one; lift.

To increase the amplitude, intensity, or volume of.

To promote to a higher rank.

To raise to a higher moral, cultural, or intellectual level.

To lift the spirits of; elate.

#2

Elevate is what the Sunday night youth gathering at the Summit is called. After I leave- I definitely see why they decided to go with that name. I have been in youth groups, met youth leaders and wannabe leaders, served at youth camps.... nothing quite compares to the way these students get challenged to meet Jesus, to bring friends, and to serve their schools. I am still not sure why they allowed me to help on Sunday nights as most of the time I feel like I am just wondering around looking dumb.

#3

Spring 2 is currently happening..... yes 2. It's technically Easter week but whatever.

#4

So Summit news number 2: they are having 19 Easter services! no seriously. 19 different services at different times in different places. Not one of them is at sunrise. Praise Jesus I don't have to feel guilty for not showing up at sunrise (I always felt guilty in college). I have invited 2 friends only to have them say no= discouraging. BUT I do know that God will show up at all 19 services and I am excited to see what He does=encouraging.

#5

I have joined twitter. So far I think I like it more than Facebook. It takes up less of my time and I can ignore it from the hours of 6pm to 8am. Bliss.

#6

I have 2 books to read for 2 classes which end in me doing a paper on each book. I also have to find an agnostic or atheist to interview. This would be a good week to start all of that. Instead, today I went to the library and checked out 4 non-academic books.

#7

Coupons make me so happy. I think I get too excited when I get them in the mail or when I remember to buy a Sunday paper. This weeks still in the paper: $1 off any drink at Caribou Coffee. LOVE. IT.

7 Quick Take Friday #3

1. Ack! It's Friday! I usually love Fridays but today just feels like the end of a long week and I catch myself thinking it's not over. My weekend became packed with things and I am not sure next week is looking much better.

2. Wednesday Bible Study. I love Wednesdays. They may become my new Thursdays. Although I still love Thursdays. This past Wednesday though I got to go to Bible study which is refreshing for me because I get to go outside of my Seminary life to spend some time with real women who are in different stages, professions and walks. I love learning from each of them... this past Wednesday I drove back to Wake Forest thinking "Lord, I want my life and confidence to be found in You. I want to shine the way the women in my small group do."

3. My Thursday class always makes me walk away thinking about pain, suffering and evil. I am becoming more and more aware of spiritual warfare and what it really means to take on the full armor of God. Recently I have been learning about the shield aspect of that. I goggled what the uses of a shield were- I think I knew before I started but honestly I forgot that the shield is an important part of battle. I hear so much about the sword or the breastplate or the helmet that often times we forget that the first thing that an arrow hits would be the shield. Funny, in the armor of God it is the shield of faith.... I haven't work this analogy all out but as a shield became more and more developed they became stronger, using a lighter material that was easy to carry. Maybe as I continue to work out my faith and learn the areas that need healing, my faith will not just be strong but it will be easier for me to hold onto instantly that when a rubber band comes my way.

4. I have a church history test and honestly, I have to say, I don't think I care about history. I mean, I love Luther and Zwingli and even have a soft spot on my heart for Cranmer but I just don't care about history.....

5. With that said, I love my professor. I love the stories I get to hear. I love the fact that I get to learn about what happens and that my professor seems to make things alive that have the potential to be very, very boring.

6. I am finding that I am starting to eat my fruits and vegetables. And I must say that I am enjoying it. I feel like I have more energy and I am not sure if that is from what I am eating or simply due the fact that I am trying to get at least 8 hours of sleep in a night.

7. Prayer request: I am starting to get a little apprehensive about what I am going to do this summer. I KNOW God has a plan. I KNOW that God has stuff under control. I KNOW that He will provide. BUT I am having a hard time transferring that knowing to believing and claiming and resting. Also, my dad is having surgery on his knee in April.

That's all for this quick takes! Hope people are having a great week!

7 Quick Takes... on a Monday though

1. I have given up Facebook for lent but still find myself thinking about my life in terms of what my status would be at any given moment.

2. I had lunch with my Bible study leader today and can I tell you? AMAZING. I am so glad that I decided to join that group even though it means one more day that I have to drive the 30 minutes out to Durham. We talked about life for about an hour and I loved meeting with her and sharing my story with someone who has similarities to my life but can look back and encourage me where I am.

3. Spring Break number 1 was last week. I think I got too use to not working or going to class because it was a fight to wake up this morning.

4. Spring might be here. North Carolina weather is is just as crazy as China weather and I am not sure how long it is going to stay beautiful but it is.... BEAUTIFUL.... unfortunately my allergies do not agree and I have been taking sinus meds like it's candy.

5. I have a stack of books that need to be read and yet the weather says "come play before it gets hot and miserable" ... thus I don't want to read anything school related which I am sure will come back to haunt me the next few weeks when I take test and quizzes on stuff I am suppose to read. I will read everything before it's due....

6. The Summit is going to be starting a church in North Raleigh. Part of me thinks YAY! The other part of me think ICK.... I mean another church in N. Raleigh? Really? Needless to say, I will probably not be attending as the new campus may be all seminary students and I like the fact that when I go to Durham I don't see people that I automatically think they are from Southeastern (I love my friends... but I do struggle with wanting to build relationships outside of school).

7. I love post-it notes and list. I feel sort of accomplishment when I check something off. Who knew?

being offensive, rubberbands and being valued.

Today has been a particually rough day.

It started off with an e-mail from someone that I work with telling me that I would not be able to work on Saturday due to my religious beliefs. As much as I understand, I was frustrated. I am not working very much this week and could have used the job and was looking forward to the fact that this family had one child and it was a 2 year old. Often times I am with 9-15 year olds and sometimes its just healing to hold a baby. I felt rejected not only based on what I believed in but because somehow these people were saying I am not good enough to watch their child.

I told someone tonight I felt like I was being spiritually attacked with rubber bands. Painful and something that leaves scars for days. I felt like they knew my weak spots and instead of something quick decided to fire the thinnest rubber bands towards those soft spots. It makes me hurt all over... I have always been told I should be like a rubber band but the reality is that as flexible as I want to be the pain of being hurt is still present.

One of those areas is that of my value and worth. I was part of a conversation today where 2 girls were questioning the likelyhood of another girl getting married because of the fact she has a ThM. I feel like somehow women are starting to associate things like intelligence and beauty into a sense of worth. Maybe it's true- that woman may not get married- but don't I serve a God who does the impossible? Should someones intelligence, appearance, or religion somehow effect their worth?

It is possible that I will be starting to work with the youth group at the Summit. I almost feel as if there should be better answers for them. That while those things do matter ultimately our identities are not found in what we do or have but as Christians our identities should be and are rooted in Christ. My friend Emily puts it nicely when she says "in exchange for sitting at the table of false satisfaction, feeding off the morsels of whatever it is (it being what we look to instead of Christ) washing it down with the poison of pride, may we instead rest at the dining table of full satisfaction with our Father we have already been given, indulging ourselves in the word, being constantly refreshed in the Spirit."

I feel like this is something that I am still learning. That only Christ will satisfy. The other things that I am looking too- my job, my friends, and the things that offer comfort, love, joy, peace, and rest- fail and fall short. In Him, I can find my value and worth... not in the things I lack. In Him, I can have....

life.

7 Quick Takes #1

I am starting to do these again and this is my first one of the new year!

#1

I should be studying for my New Testament and Problem of Evil exams but instead I am blogging because somehow that seems like more fun.

#2

I seriously love every one of my classes and professors. Whenever something goes wrong I want to ask "WWHTD?" or "WWJED?" (what would Heath Thomas do? or What would Jeremy Evans do?).... I have more what would ____ do? but those are the top two at the moment.

#3

It has snowed a couple of times since I moved back the states and I have found myself wondering why in the world would I ever want to live in a place where in snows? I mean honestly, snow is cold. Cold is depressing. It's pretty when you are inside with wool socks and hot chocolate but then when you go out the next day and your car is stuck- thats when you realize snow is uncool. Give me sunny warm weather any day.

#4

It's that time of year when Lent is happening. This year I have given up Facebook again. I am trying to add new and better things to my life- like eating better and more scripture memory. This past week though I have failed. But I am learning more and more about grace and the fact that it really covers all of my mistakes. I am also trying to branch out a bit more from only being in Wake Forest. I work and watch kids in the greater Raleigh- Durham area so I am trying to find places that I can go frequently to build relationships and live out a godly life.... without killing myself wasting gas money.

#5

For Valentines day, I went to a fondue party. LOVED IT! Letha is a such an amazing person. We have lunch together on Tuesdays and I seriously think that Tuesdays may become my favorite days this semester. She is writing up list in honor of her turning.... ahem 19 this year. you can find it at lethadiane.blogspot.com. I have helped her with her most recent one which turned out pretty stinkin great!

#6

I may be starting to help out with the youth group at the Summit where I go to church. I never really thought of working with youth- I prefer college students- but thats where they need people. I am going to an intro meeting to see what I can do and how to be used.

#7

I love coupons and plan to start using them more frequently. No joke. I recently bought a half gallon of Edy's No Sugar Mint Chocolate ice cream from Harris Teeter. On sale= 2.97. Coupon= 1.00. VIC (Harris Teeters MVP card)= 1.00. 97 cents for a half gallon of ice cream. HECK YEAH!

Direction

I use to play the paino- play being used loosely. My younger brother and I would fight over whoever went first because neither of us had practice and neither wanted to play for Mr. Turner. I had a bad habit of not watching the music (or the director) when I should have. Instead I would watch my figures, which were no help at all.

In the 15 plus years I looked at music, two of the biggest issues in music are the rest and the counting. For some reason, people like to stop counting when they get to a rest. They (okay I) didn't always understand that the rest sometimes help the drama of the next notes or that there is still music being made.

This week has been a challenging one at best. I have been wondering what I am doing and why I feel like God is pausing. I want to rush ahead, skip the counting and start playing again. I want to figure out my role and do it well. However, I am at a rest.

The biggest part of the rest is watching the director for when to come in again. I guess this is what I have to learn. I rush ahead, stop counting, look at my figures, start to play when I am suppose to be silent and then look down, knowing that I have failed to practice. But the God comes over, lefts my head and looks at me with love. He says "Watch Me. I am directing your life. Keep counting. You may not hear music in the rest- but there is music being made and it pleasing Me."