7.5

Its been 7.5 months since I have come back from China. And honestly I have moments where I wonder if life has really changed. Oh yes, I no longer have to make Mexican food from scratch or ride a bus or wonder if I will lose my life on the back of a motor bike. But there are days when I catch myself doing these things:

*wondering around a store because things are grouped together in ways that I don't understand. The Chinese stores started making sense.
*thinking about this cost in RMB instead of dollars and convincing myself of what is cheap.
*wondering why no one is staring at me when I go into a mall.
*wondering why the mall is only 2 stories.
*wondering why the tv shows or movies do not have subtitles in Chinese or funny English ones.
*thinking any day a website will be blocked for no reason.
*missing my students so much its hard to breathe.

There is this moment just before I wake up when I think I will go backwards in time. I wake up in my stuffy, hot apartment on a bed that should have been thrown away several years ago, throw on clothes and walk down the street trying to convince myself it will be a good day. I got into work and walk up the first flight of stairs and am greeted with 60 hugs and my name being called. The second flight leads to my classroom, 50 more hugs and more of my name. Life seems to be better. Too make sense. Too not hurt quite as much.

It's been 7 and half months and I realize how long its been since I was given or gave a genuine hug. I know it could be a love language and blah blah blah but some days I wonder if there were healing powers in the hugs I got in China. The precious hearts of my 3, 4 and 5 year olds who loved me without condition, wanting to share their days and needing a hug almost as much as I did.

I miss them.... and while I am so thankful to be where I am not a day goes by that I don't wonder if I was a good teacher, if they remember, if they saw Jesus in me. And really its in those moments I need a hug the most.