Recently a friend commented on Facebook how fast October went. Although, it now being the middle of November, I feel as though time is going too fast.
Being November, I realize that I only have a little time before solid decisions must be made. These decisions which I want to ignore by reading a book and drinking whatever instant nasty coffee that's in my apartment. I blame my parents and a few others for my reading addiction. Not to say that its bad- but I do wish that my overactive imagination would sometimes leave me alone. Like the other day when I approached a familiar topic in my devotion time.
The conversation in my head went something like this:
ME:"Please don't make do this forever- living and working overseas- alone."
SMALL VOICE: "Would you obey even if you don't understand?"
ME:" Well.... I suppose, if I had too...."
Silence.
I was midway through the sentence in my head when I saw it. A picture that was clear and I realized my error. The picture of the cross- where One made the ultimate sacrifice, willingly obedient even though He didn't understand and asked for another way. I wondered how I have become so selfish, so unwilling. That I would place conditions on my obedience rather than simply saying, "Ok. I will do whatever you ask me too. Even if its something I don't like."
It hit me fairly hard- how unwilling I was being. How unusable I would be if I placed conditions and limits on a God that knows no bounds. Even now as the decisions for next year begin to approach- I place limits on where I will or will not go. Some reasons are legitimate. Others- not so much.
But its more than just my decisions for the future- its every day. How I say, I will only love this person if they are nice in return- or I will only pay this driver if he manages not kill me. I suppose its a basic truth that I have heard all my life and yet I guess I haven't learned it as well as what I thought I did.
The days are going by faster- and each one brings me one step closer to actually having to face those decisions and bring them into reality. But more than that Christmas approaching (yay!) and its this time when we take the time to celebrate how a tiny baby was born- grew and walked a road- paid the ultimate unconditional price- so that we could live, laugh and love freely in Him.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
Challenge of Being Quiet
I love challenges- for the most part. There are some challenges that push me just to my breaking point and I think, "Why?" But for the most part I always thrived in the midst of a challenge. At a piano recital one time, I played a extremely difficult song (for me) almost perfectly only to fail miserably at the easy piece that followed. In High School, I loved my hardest teacher- because she pushed us to go beyond what we thought we could do. In fact, in 9th grade had anyone told me that my senior year I would take and pass Physics and Pre-Calculus and French 3- none of which I use today- I would have laughed. I suppose that I enjoy the thrill- the learning that takes place when in the midst of a challenge.
I recently went to Hong Kong and although this trip was made by bus, I think about the times I have used the ferry. I love riding on boats. Big or small, I enjoy the crashing waves, the sun, the fish, the passing of small villages in Zhongshan and Shenzhen. What I don't like is the the before and after part. I don't like the gentle bobbing up and down. The stillness. It makes my stomach churn.
I suppose that my lack of recent e-mailing can be chalked up to this- life has been still. Quiet. Nothing new or exciting to tell about. It makes me a bit queasy. However, it is my biggest challenge. I like to be loud, to talk, to sing and to dance. But it is the quietness that I am restored- I can rest. But learning how to be quiet is the struggle. Learning to listen in order to face the next difficult task with more patience and renewed determination is something the thing in my life that gets overlooked. Even now learning to rest about my future makes me want to spend the next few months wishing life away, because at least then my stomach does not do somersaults of worry.
But instead, I am learning. Learning that life most continue and that my students deserve and need me to be focused on my present. Learning that even though stillness may be an easy thing to learn, I still need to do well. I have been told that this part of life is constant so I am sure that this is a lesson I will have to learn over and over again... Thankfully, I have a patient Father willing to teach every time.
I recently went to Hong Kong and although this trip was made by bus, I think about the times I have used the ferry. I love riding on boats. Big or small, I enjoy the crashing waves, the sun, the fish, the passing of small villages in Zhongshan and Shenzhen. What I don't like is the the before and after part. I don't like the gentle bobbing up and down. The stillness. It makes my stomach churn.
I suppose that my lack of recent e-mailing can be chalked up to this- life has been still. Quiet. Nothing new or exciting to tell about. It makes me a bit queasy. However, it is my biggest challenge. I like to be loud, to talk, to sing and to dance. But it is the quietness that I am restored- I can rest. But learning how to be quiet is the struggle. Learning to listen in order to face the next difficult task with more patience and renewed determination is something the thing in my life that gets overlooked. Even now learning to rest about my future makes me want to spend the next few months wishing life away, because at least then my stomach does not do somersaults of worry.
But instead, I am learning. Learning that life most continue and that my students deserve and need me to be focused on my present. Learning that even though stillness may be an easy thing to learn, I still need to do well. I have been told that this part of life is constant so I am sure that this is a lesson I will have to learn over and over again... Thankfully, I have a patient Father willing to teach every time.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Spiders and Mona Lisa
Last week was the worst week. In fact, I was pretty upset the majority of the week. Tuesday- was one trial after another, Wednesday- I woke up to strange Chinese men at my door and the rest of the week was just not good. Finally today- was a good day. I had watched Mona Lisa Smile, eaten a brand new, very expensive can of Chef Boyardee that I found at a foreign food store and was drifting off to sleep, when I realized I forgot to brush my teeth tonight. Now, for some once a day is enough- but in my line of work you need your teeth, so you brush 3, maybe 4 times for good measure. So I got up and made my way to the bathroom. I switched on the light which flickered and turned to look at the mirror and there it was. The worlds biggest, ugliest, hairiest spider humanly possible. I screamed- which had no effect on said spider- and fell back against the wall outside the bathroom. I have come to realize that there are few times where I wish I was married. This
time is one of them.
I hate spiders. Maybe not as passionately as others do- but spiders creep me out. None of them are sweet like the ones in Charlottes Web and none of them seem to help you. No, they have 8 hairy legs and little mouths.....ick. Anyway, calmer, but still a bit tense about the large arachnid chilled out in my bathroom, I called my mother not sure what to do. I know I must kill it but something in me would be much happy it if just died where it was and I could stay where I was. After about 40 minutes, standing outside in the rain and asking one the security guards to come and kill it, the spider is dead. Now even though the spider is dead and gone, I still have problems going into the bathroom for fear that there may be more.
Which brings me to Mona Lisa Smile. One part really caught my attention in this movie- a line said by a minor character about how happy she is to stay where she is. All this week- I have been thinking about life and how much I hope this year offers chances for me to jump in faith. To simply rely on the One who is control- rather than to take control myself. To do something more with what could be my last year in Asia, my last year abroad. I am happy here and know that my time here is precious- however I want to be more usable, more flexible, more giving of myself, willing to learn and understand- things that I have made small steps in, but things I still need. I am sure that with this jump there will be more trials, more spiders, more things I do not understand- but I can not stay outside of the bathroom forever.
I am ready to start my 12 month and go into my second year ready to face whatever comes. Who knows. Maybe it will come in being able to manage a spider.
time is one of them.
I hate spiders. Maybe not as passionately as others do- but spiders creep me out. None of them are sweet like the ones in Charlottes Web and none of them seem to help you. No, they have 8 hairy legs and little mouths.....ick. Anyway, calmer, but still a bit tense about the large arachnid chilled out in my bathroom, I called my mother not sure what to do. I know I must kill it but something in me would be much happy it if just died where it was and I could stay where I was. After about 40 minutes, standing outside in the rain and asking one the security guards to come and kill it, the spider is dead. Now even though the spider is dead and gone, I still have problems going into the bathroom for fear that there may be more.
Which brings me to Mona Lisa Smile. One part really caught my attention in this movie- a line said by a minor character about how happy she is to stay where she is. All this week- I have been thinking about life and how much I hope this year offers chances for me to jump in faith. To simply rely on the One who is control- rather than to take control myself. To do something more with what could be my last year in Asia, my last year abroad. I am happy here and know that my time here is precious- however I want to be more usable, more flexible, more giving of myself, willing to learn and understand- things that I have made small steps in, but things I still need. I am sure that with this jump there will be more trials, more spiders, more things I do not understand- but I can not stay outside of the bathroom forever.
I am ready to start my 12 month and go into my second year ready to face whatever comes. Who knows. Maybe it will come in being able to manage a spider.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Vacation
We are finishing up our one week summer camp and my co-teacher asked them to pretend that the students were taking a trip. Today she asked them to write a letter home. One of the students letters went like this:
Dear Mom and Dad,
I am in the toilet. It is hot in here. I feel sick. I miss you. Love.
Ah yes, his trip anywhere in the world was too the toilet. What a vacation.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Learning to Worship
We decided to study the book of Job in International Fellowship- simply because I had a series on my Ipod about the book.
Today was the first chapter of Job. How Job's responded to suffering, how God was proud of His son. I suppose when I think of Job- I think of my first "grown-up" church services- how I didn't understand a word, but my picture was of a man who had bad things happen and was happily praising anyway. I thought that it was a picture of happiness- when in reality it is a picture of worship. A man who was broken, hurting and instead of asking why, he said "I will choose to BLESS the Lord."
The challenge is how I respond. I am faced with things daily- minor things that I tend to make bigger. Instead of choosing to bless God, I choose to question, to worry, to forget that I am not in control and He is. It is followed by me trying to take control only to become more broken and frustrated than I was originally.
I find I am learning that worship involves my life- my whole life- not just the parts I feel competent in. I may never and probably will never experience the disasters that Job faced- but maybe if I laid down every part of my life- I can worship as a first reaction in difficult times.
Today was the first chapter of Job. How Job's responded to suffering, how God was proud of His son. I suppose when I think of Job- I think of my first "grown-up" church services- how I didn't understand a word, but my picture was of a man who had bad things happen and was happily praising anyway. I thought that it was a picture of happiness- when in reality it is a picture of worship. A man who was broken, hurting and instead of asking why, he said "I will choose to BLESS the Lord."
The challenge is how I respond. I am faced with things daily- minor things that I tend to make bigger. Instead of choosing to bless God, I choose to question, to worry, to forget that I am not in control and He is. It is followed by me trying to take control only to become more broken and frustrated than I was originally.
I find I am learning that worship involves my life- my whole life- not just the parts I feel competent in. I may never and probably will never experience the disasters that Job faced- but maybe if I laid down every part of my life- I can worship as a first reaction in difficult times.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Incredible things
I have to admit I do not know where to begin about the past 2 weeks. So many incredible and not so incredible things have happened.
My family was here for a week and a half- something that was exciting for me and for them. We experienced a lot of interesting things such as snake for dinner, a tour guide who tried to rip us off, and a lost camera that we managed to get back the night before they left.
All in all, I have had a great 2 weeks what with my family being here and situations being taken cared of. So many things have been questioned, confirmed and tabled in my life over the past 2 weeks.
One very big incredible thing that happened was a decision that was made by my former roommate Rita. We have been praying that she would become a believer for many months now and the day she left- she went to another teacher saying she was ready to make the jump. I suppose nothing else matters... the little things that irrated me while I was on vacation pale in comparison to knowing that I may never see Rita again on earth- but celebrating our Father together in heaven makes everything seem a bit brighter.
My family was here for a week and a half- something that was exciting for me and for them. We experienced a lot of interesting things such as snake for dinner, a tour guide who tried to rip us off, and a lost camera that we managed to get back the night before they left.
All in all, I have had a great 2 weeks what with my family being here and situations being taken cared of. So many things have been questioned, confirmed and tabled in my life over the past 2 weeks.
One very big incredible thing that happened was a decision that was made by my former roommate Rita. We have been praying that she would become a believer for many months now and the day she left- she went to another teacher saying she was ready to make the jump. I suppose nothing else matters... the little things that irrated me while I was on vacation pale in comparison to knowing that I may never see Rita again on earth- but celebrating our Father together in heaven makes everything seem a bit brighter.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Weekends
I love weekends.
I love Saturdays and the adventures in holds. I love going to Macau on a Saturday. I love it when the foreigners lane is short on both the China and Macau sides. I love meeting people in random coffee shops and having conversions about why they are in Asia. I love walking around in between the narrow streets and seeing Hong Kong Chinese people having a celebration of the day. I love having them serenade me in English then invite me to join offering expensive Chinese beer and BBQ pork. I love watching them use three different languages and have conversations that I only understand a little bit off happening around me.
I love Sundays and International fellowship. I love going to dinner and have random conversations with the fellow Kiwis or Americans in the room. I love icing cakes for the gatherings with my employer and how she trust me to ice the cake without ruining it. I love walking in the rain with her children and having conversations about splashing in the puddles. I love the way that the Kiwis bless our food by using an upbeat children's song to do it- and how they do not judge me when I chuckle about it. I love learning about the "All You Can Eat for 40Yuan Fridays" at a pizza bar in downtown and making plans to visit.
The next few weeks I will watch a people who have played an important role in my first year here leave. My hope is that as the second year approaches I can only come to love weekends even more although the people are different.
I love Saturdays and the adventures in holds. I love going to Macau on a Saturday. I love it when the foreigners lane is short on both the China and Macau sides. I love meeting people in random coffee shops and having conversions about why they are in Asia. I love walking around in between the narrow streets and seeing Hong Kong Chinese people having a celebration of the day. I love having them serenade me in English then invite me to join offering expensive Chinese beer and BBQ pork. I love watching them use three different languages and have conversations that I only understand a little bit off happening around me.
I love Sundays and International fellowship. I love going to dinner and have random conversations with the fellow Kiwis or Americans in the room. I love icing cakes for the gatherings with my employer and how she trust me to ice the cake without ruining it. I love walking in the rain with her children and having conversations about splashing in the puddles. I love the way that the Kiwis bless our food by using an upbeat children's song to do it- and how they do not judge me when I chuckle about it. I love learning about the "All You Can Eat for 40Yuan Fridays" at a pizza bar in downtown and making plans to visit.
The next few weeks I will watch a people who have played an important role in my first year here leave. My hope is that as the second year approaches I can only come to love weekends even more although the people are different.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Grateful
In a world with internet thieves, mosquitoes and broken washing machines it is hard sometimes to find things to be thankful for. But as I write tonight- there are many things that I am grateful for:
A family whose support for this overseas job has been amazing. I expected nothing less- although at times I am sure they questioned my sanity.
A home church and two loving schools without which I would not be here- financially, spiritually, emotionally, physically.
The people in the US who pray for me on a weekly bases- I have only made it this far because of them.
Friends in the US and in other countries whose facebook messages and e-mails make me smile on a daily bases.
An employer who understands and laughs at my corny jokes.
The security guards in my apartment complex who smile and say "good morning" even if it is the middle of the night.
The group of women that smile, laugh and wave at me as I pass by them in the afternoons and that allow me to play with their children when I am not busy.
The group of men in the morning that play cards in the morning, but stop long enough to let me through on my way to work.
The man who offered me his umbrella in the pouring rain.
The little boy down the street who smiles and waves at me every day.
The women who lives beneath the stairs at Skyline who tells everyone they are pretty as they walk past.
A roommate that does not understand the difference between wireless and virus and says them the same way and allows me to be a bit messy from time to time.
People in Thailand who loved me, let me crash and showed me a what true Thailand was.
The Chappells in Thailand who fed me an amazing meal.
Sarah and her dad letting me stay with them in Hong Kong- even though I was not the best tour guide and lost them for a few hours.
The Vanguard store clerks who smile at me and point to the vegetables they think I should eat.
The man who tries to keep an English newspaper for me everyday, even if I do not get to the stand until late at night.
The woman at the coffee shop who burns my latte but gives me extra whip cream at no charge.
Chinese teachers that think I am crazy at first, but after everything is said and done, nod their approval and thanks.
Students that overwhelm me with their smiles and hugs everyday.
Even with all the up and down emotions and crazy days, I am thankful for the people I have met here and the things I have learned.
A family whose support for this overseas job has been amazing. I expected nothing less- although at times I am sure they questioned my sanity.
A home church and two loving schools without which I would not be here- financially, spiritually, emotionally, physically.
The people in the US who pray for me on a weekly bases- I have only made it this far because of them.
Friends in the US and in other countries whose facebook messages and e-mails make me smile on a daily bases.
An employer who understands and laughs at my corny jokes.
The security guards in my apartment complex who smile and say "good morning" even if it is the middle of the night.
The group of women that smile, laugh and wave at me as I pass by them in the afternoons and that allow me to play with their children when I am not busy.
The group of men in the morning that play cards in the morning, but stop long enough to let me through on my way to work.
The man who offered me his umbrella in the pouring rain.
The little boy down the street who smiles and waves at me every day.
The women who lives beneath the stairs at Skyline who tells everyone they are pretty as they walk past.
A roommate that does not understand the difference between wireless and virus and says them the same way and allows me to be a bit messy from time to time.
People in Thailand who loved me, let me crash and showed me a what true Thailand was.
The Chappells in Thailand who fed me an amazing meal.
Sarah and her dad letting me stay with them in Hong Kong- even though I was not the best tour guide and lost them for a few hours.
The Vanguard store clerks who smile at me and point to the vegetables they think I should eat.
The man who tries to keep an English newspaper for me everyday, even if I do not get to the stand until late at night.
The woman at the coffee shop who burns my latte but gives me extra whip cream at no charge.
Chinese teachers that think I am crazy at first, but after everything is said and done, nod their approval and thanks.
Students that overwhelm me with their smiles and hugs everyday.
Even with all the up and down emotions and crazy days, I am thankful for the people I have met here and the things I have learned.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Rain
Yesterday was a bad day...at least the afternoon was bad. The rehearsal for our Children's concert happened and it was by far one of the worst things I have ever experienced. Utter chaos does not even come close to what happen. No one knew what was going on- to make matters worst we will not be back in that building until Sunday, the day of the concert. I am trying very hard to believe that everything will turn out ok...but something in the back of my mind wants to hide under the covers until it is all over.
Thankfully- today the rain came. I love rainy days. I have always been a big fan actually- I love the way it brings color and life to things, I love the way the air smells after a good rain fall and I love the coolness it can bring in the middle of a very hot time. But mostly I love rain because it washes things away. To be honest, China is dirty. Lots of dust, lots of trash, just in general dirty. The rain washes things clean and for a short time after, the cleanliness is seen.
I woke up today to my roommate saying that school was closed due to the weather- sometimes if the winds and rain get too bad parents can not bring their children into school. Most of the parents ride scooters or motorbikes- so for safety reasons, they stay home. If the majority of students stay home, we have to close the school. It was actually a blessing in so many ways- giving rest to the students who are tired and trying to remember all their lines, and giving us time to better prepare for Sunday.
So I love rainy days- because I know the next day will more than likely bring sunshine- yesterday is gone and all I can do is learn from the mistakes that's happened and become better for it.
Thankfully- today the rain came. I love rainy days. I have always been a big fan actually- I love the way it brings color and life to things, I love the way the air smells after a good rain fall and I love the coolness it can bring in the middle of a very hot time. But mostly I love rain because it washes things away. To be honest, China is dirty. Lots of dust, lots of trash, just in general dirty. The rain washes things clean and for a short time after, the cleanliness is seen.
I woke up today to my roommate saying that school was closed due to the weather- sometimes if the winds and rain get too bad parents can not bring their children into school. Most of the parents ride scooters or motorbikes- so for safety reasons, they stay home. If the majority of students stay home, we have to close the school. It was actually a blessing in so many ways- giving rest to the students who are tired and trying to remember all their lines, and giving us time to better prepare for Sunday.
So I love rainy days- because I know the next day will more than likely bring sunshine- yesterday is gone and all I can do is learn from the mistakes that's happened and become better for it.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Hope
Sitting here at the Shangri-la hotel, I am aware that I have several things to do before going to practice for the English concert this afternoon. I am also painfully aware of the four people glaring at me to get off of the computer. My head is starting to pound from the group of loud Chinese business men sitting at a nearby table and all I can think is that my parents will be here in a week.
Life will bring many changes over the next year- of that I am sure. I am unsure what those changes will be, whether God will allow me to stay here for a year, while providing in unique ways for my finances to be cared for. Whether I will be led further into the world and become part of a different people. Or whether He will open doors back home. Although I am looking forward to see how He provides- I must admit I am finding it harder and harder to trust that this year He will supply the immediate needs of friendship- the end of this loneliness I have battled over the past year. I am becoming more reliant on Him- but so many times, I feel like the man in Pilgrims Progress needing Hope, the companion that finishes the journey. This past year, I have come to understand what faithfulness is and in times when I am most discouraged, how it is important that I remain faithful to the call that has been placed on my life. It would have been easy to give up and go home to a language I can understand and speak and to friends and family I have. But sticking it out for two years was something that I knew I needed to do- because I knew that I would learn more about myself, my faith and life in general. I would trade nothing about this year- and I can only pray that as I go into this next year, Hope comes in with the strength I am still seeking.
Life will bring many changes over the next year- of that I am sure. I am unsure what those changes will be, whether God will allow me to stay here for a year, while providing in unique ways for my finances to be cared for. Whether I will be led further into the world and become part of a different people. Or whether He will open doors back home. Although I am looking forward to see how He provides- I must admit I am finding it harder and harder to trust that this year He will supply the immediate needs of friendship- the end of this loneliness I have battled over the past year. I am becoming more reliant on Him- but so many times, I feel like the man in Pilgrims Progress needing Hope, the companion that finishes the journey. This past year, I have come to understand what faithfulness is and in times when I am most discouraged, how it is important that I remain faithful to the call that has been placed on my life. It would have been easy to give up and go home to a language I can understand and speak and to friends and family I have. But sticking it out for two years was something that I knew I needed to do- because I knew that I would learn more about myself, my faith and life in general. I would trade nothing about this year- and I can only pray that as I go into this next year, Hope comes in with the strength I am still seeking.
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