Open Letter to the 5th Graders

Dear 5th grade class-

Recently, I got the opportunity to sub for you. Granted, I only had you for about an hour before I was able to get rid of you let you go.

Either way, you read me, my facial expressions or my actions before you entered the room. You could tell I was not feeling like dealing with you. You could tell that I couldn't wait for your class to be over. You could tell I was unhappy that you were coming in. You could tell I was inwardly looking for my happy place.

At one point during the class, I heard one of you say to another, " I think she hates us". The words on a surface level may have been true that day. I stood slightly unsure as to what to do next.

I thought about it on and off through the rest of the day. Did I hate you? Was I that mean? Was I that transparent?

No, I don't hate you. I actually like you. I try to love you the way that I claim Jesus loves me, but I fail miserably. The truth is that I do like you. I think you are smart and funny. I like having conversations with you. I like that you still seem a little like a child rather than a grown up. You still want to be cared for, wanted, loved. I like you.

I hate the way you act. I hate that you feel the need to act that way. I hate that you think in order to get by in the world, you feel like you need to be strong and hard. I hate that you think you need to put others down because you don't want people to see how hurt you are. I hate that someone has thought less of you. I hate that they don't believe that you can succeed. I hate that they "treat" you as adults but then punish you like children. I hate that education has failed you. I hate that you hate learning. Maybe you don't hate it- you just don't see the value in it. I hate that your teachers claim to be Christians but treat you in a way that is ungodly. They want to show love- but forget that God is holy. I hate that they have not explained to you why there are rules and why when you do not follow them there are consequences. I hate that I to have failed. I am older than you. Instead of being a generation who not only works for things, but who is also grateful for what they have received- my generation is whiny. We have passed that onto you. I hate that. I have not taught you that the rewards are only when you work hard. Instead, we have somehow bought into the lie that a better life should mean no work at all. We have lied to you and I hate that.

I will continue to be your substitute. Because I do believe that there is a better plan for your life. I believe that it will not be easy. I believe that there are eternal rewards. I believe that God has called me to be faithful. I believe he has called me to not only love you but to be fair and to show you want love means. Not only to treat you with kindness but to also treat you with fairness that may not seem fair. To treat you with grace even if you do not recognize it. I will probably fail . But I will try. Because I don't hate you.

And neither does He.

Reflections

It has been a crazy last week between Christmas and New Year's then jumping right back into work.

Like so many others, I have been reflecting on the last year. 2011 and all that happened.

Lets see
*I went to work for the NAMB for the summer in California.
*I switched degree programs to graduate sooner.
*I thought was staying with the NAMB through the fall. That didn't happen.
*Instead I moved back home.
*I thought I would be moving to Thailand- first in November, then in June. That's most likely not happening.
*I registered for the last semester of Seminary.
*I got a job..... or rather a few.
*I witnessed God's faithfulness. In my friends, in my family, in my own life.

2011 may not have been the best or the worst year. I have hopes that 2012 will be better but I am not entirely sure what it will be better as? Better that serving in California, getting my but kicked in ministry, being humbled and God proving to be bigger than I imagined? Better than coming home feeling slightly or rather not so slightly irritated with various things only to find that God have provided over and over? Better than the humiliating times when I made some big mistakes and watching God fix them in his own time making me trust him more?

No 2011 was not great. But it wasn't bad. It was just like every other year. A year of changes. A year of trials. A year of blessing and seasons.

2012 will hold my graduation with a Master's degree. A cross cultural counseling paper that may or may not be the death of me as I crawl across the finish line (probably not without a little whining to my friends and the text messages that hold the same question every semester- why am I in seminary again?). A cross cultural move. Many unknown adventures in teaching and traveling. Many new opportunities for ministry and serving others. Difficult decisions. Trials. Triumphs. Laughter. Joy. Tears. Heart break. Love.

But 2012 is so much bigger than that. It is about a never changing, always good and great, faithful and just Friend. And I am really thankful because despite the changes of 2012....

He never does.