Asking for a Pony

In the car yesterday, I began to think about a new blog. I have been typing papers, exams and study guides and thought maybe I should type up something a little more joyful.

I realized something yesterday. A road not taken. A door that was shut. Yesterday marked almost exactly 4 years since I sit in the living room of the house that Hannah and I shared. It was 4 years ago that I made the decision to not continue an interview that would have taken me to Florida. It was 4 years ago I decided to go home.

4 years.

So much has happened in 4 years. Nothing has happened like I thought it would. Instead of being overseas still, I am in Wake Forest, North Carolina. In so many ways I am still wondering where life is going and am waiting with just as much anticipation as I did 4 years ago. I feel this way every Christmas. I think it started when I was younger. I was more interested in the presents and hated waiting through the Christmas story that we would read before we could rip into the pile of Christmas goodies.

I am in the middle of reading a book called How People Change by Paul David Tripp and writing an application paper for it. The book doesn't say anything new but it is reminding me that although life seems a bit out of control, God is still working.

I think back to 4 years and the 6ish months that followed. I didn't know what God was doing. I was lonely and working like crazy. I was watching friends get married and my heart was breaking because it seemed like God has forgotten me. In China, similar emotions were felt.

But 4 years ago, I knew that God would be faithful. I knew that He would take care of me. I knew it even if I didn't believe it all the time. I knew that God would show himself in a big way. I was waiting expectantly for him to show up.

It seems like every year at Christmas, I wait for the same thing. I wait for something big to happen and believe that God will do something big. But it's almost as if I miss out on what God has done. I miss the fact that the greatest thing that He could have done happened already. I miss the fact that He sent his Son to die for me. Instead I get distracted by other things. Maybe not by presents like when I was younger, but by what I have not be given the past year.

In 2011, I will watch friends get married, have children, move to exciting new places. It's hard not to look at there lives point at God and say, "I want THAT" as if I am asking for a pony. It's hard to not look at my life  and say, "Did you forget about me? Do you still have plans?"  I reflect over the last year and think "wow, if I had it my way that's not what I would have chosen. But God continues to show himself faithful". He continues to provide.

But this year, I have realized that as many times as I ask those questions, God's soft and gentle response has been showing me his faithfulness. He is showing me his patience with me and my impatience. He is showing me his love to the people I deem unlovable.

Maybe this year, instead of choosing to whine and look at my life wondering "Why not me? Why not now? Now seems like a good time for ______!" I can choose to be thankful not matter the circumstance. I can realize that the greatest gift of life has been given and that is enough for me to satisfied.

Being Still

Recently, as in last night, I rented and watched the newest Karate Kid. I never saw the old version but I was interested in this movie because they filmed it in China. Throughout the movie, I kept tearing up thinking, I remember buses similar to that, parks similar to that, the language, the people. My heart ached just a little.

It happens frequently. Something will remind me of the past and my heart aches a little. I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back to China, back to Liberty, back to high school. I wish I was different then. I wish I could change some of the things I said or did.

However, I can't go back.

I fight this reality daily. Maybe it's because there were things that were comforting in each of those places. I had questions, but they never surfaced as much as what questions seem to surface now. Daily I am faced with questions like what is your degree program? What do you want to do with your life? What is God calling you to?

I get so frustrated not knowing the answer. I feel like a failure for not knowing. I feel like I should be doing something. I feel like I should be making a decision about overseas or not overseas, teaching or not teaching, the list goes on.

Instead, I am frustrated that I don't know. That I have ideas but no real direction. I have plans, but no real confirmation. I have dreams but not a whole lot to build on.

The most recent question that has come up is "Why am I in seminary?" I suppose if I am honest then I have to say right now because God has not called me to do anything else. He has not opened doors to go anywhere else. He has not supplied ways and means yet for me to move on. So I am here. In the in between. Waiting. Wondering. Questioning.

Then I watched The Karate Kid.
At one point in the movie, Mr Han says "Being still and doing nothing are two very different things."

I can not look at my life right now as doing nothing. Even if it sometimes feels like it.
No instead, I have to be still before God. God has taken me into a season where he is preparing me for something. What that something is I don't know yet. But He is still working. He is not doing nothing. He has called me to be still before Him. It's like one of those be anxious for nothing moments.

In being still before Him and waiting on Him, He gets to do great work. In being still before Him, the pressure is off me in sharing the gospel because I know people are ultimately not rejecting me and He is doing the work. In being still before Him, I don't have to worry about my future because He is doing the work. I just have to wait and follow where he leads.

So in the month of thankfulness I am thankful for His grace and mercy. I am thankful for His patience. I am thankful for His forgiveness. I am thankful that He is doing a great work even though more often than not He ask me to be still.

“Be still, and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10

Reasons Why I Hate Sharing the Gospel

Before anyone gets all uptight and worried that this seminary students hates sharing the gospel- please read it all the way through and ask yourself honestly if you are a Great Commission Christian. I imagine there are more like me- but to many are scared to admit it because of reputation or guilt.

In the past couple of months, I have met with, followed, read up on my friends Bryan and Megan Barley's church plant. They will be heading to Denver in January and I am so incredibly excited for them! I love the fact that they will be going with a team of 8 or so to plant their lives. They are not planning to return to the east coast to live. They are not planning to stay for a few years then come back so that Bryan can pastor a larger church. I love that they have started to get to know their team here in Raleigh before moving to Denver. I love that they are living out the Gospel here. It seems like good practice.

As much as I love them, admire them and think "wow what a great job they are doing" I feel like I am a bystander. I am not one to go out and live the gospel. I blame my job, my location, my current educational goals. The reality is that I am just to scared, to busy and to apathetic to share with other people. The questions that go through my head when I think I should share the Gospel are things like "Do I want them to say yes? Does that mean I now have to disciple them? Is that worth the time? Do I have the time?" So instead of dealing with these answers, I simply choose not to ask God to present me with opportunities. Or I ask God to present me with opportunities but chicken out when it comes time to follow through.

A recent conversation with one of my friends really exposed this sin. This friend and her husband are questioning what to do next after the internship. I told her to start praying with the Great Commission in mind. But as I sat and talked with her, I realized I need to pray it as well.

I have big dreams of living in a city full of people. Of not having to drive my car everywhere. Of being able to invite my non Christians friends to my house to play games, to eat dinner, to watch movies, to love them, serve them, share Jesus with them. But I am not doing that now. Instead I am focused on the couch that looks like it came from a nursing home.

I write this knowing that we are all gifted in different ways. But the command is to go and make disciples. I am not even doing the "go" part much less the "make disciples" part. I am not building relationships being open about my faith so that as people watch me live and watch how my life has been changed by the Gospel, people wonder why I am different.

I don't tip that much when I go out to eat or to a coffee shop.
I don't always buy things when I go shopping.
I don't make an effort to help people in need unless it's during the week of ServeRDU (which is like an outreach week with my church here in Raleigh/Durham).
I don't question people about their faith and walk with God.
I send people to hell because I don't care enough that Jesus came so that all who believe in Him will be saved.
Even if I do care, I don't actually live out that Jesus is enough because I spend money foolishly or whine about current circumstances and how I wish my life was different.


So if you have made it this far in reading this blog- pray for me. Pray for courage. Pray for wisdom. Pray for the knowledge that Christ' blood covers all sins. Pray that even when I fail in sharing, I can repent and live in the joy that Christ has set me free from sin. Pray that the reality of that will shake me to boldness that all may know and submit to God's authority.

Transforming Church in Rural America by Shannon O’Dell

Transforming Church in Rural America is one of those books that I am thankful to have in my library. As a seminary student, learning from others seems to be my job. So when I found this book on BookSneeze.com, I thought what an interesting title.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading through his stories and how O'Dell mixes in some practical advice from church planters. The primary audience is the rural church. However, I do believe that something can be found for everyone. Any church planter, pastor, even a dedicated member can tell you that the church body is filled with people who want things their way and are not likely to accept change easily. O'Dell even comments, “When you begin to live out a God-sized vision, it is guaranteed that people will start barking.” Sometimes as Christians we think that simply because our dreams are God-give, people will fall naturally in line. However this is not always the case. In fact, many are resistant to the cost, the time and the energy it takes to start something new. Many times people want to vote and have the vote be unanimous. The biggest thing that I walked away from was O'Dells calling to the church. It truly proves that God's ways are not our own.

The things that I struggle with are the fact that O'Dell's church is an icampus (online version) and it's multisite. Being involved with a multi site church myself I did not take up an interest. However the way that it read was that O'Dell seemed more interested in the numbers of the church rather than allowing God to take the credit and glory for the growth of his church.

I enjoyed the book and am very thankful to be able to learn form other people's experience.



I got this book for free from booksneeze.com. I’m not required to give a positive review.

Nothing Can Separate

The other day I commented that I wanted to see the Social Network. I haven't yet but the next day I was on Facebook and notice that a friend had changed her relationship status from married to single and taken all of her wedding pictures down. It may not seem like a big deal but it does make me wonder if she and her husband have split.

I wonder about whose fault it was. I wonder whose decision it was to end it. I wonder what they church did to support and counsel them through. I want to call without it being weir or like I am being nosy. I look for someone to blame. I want to blame their parents for not properly showing them what marriage was when they were children. I want to blame the husband for maybe being too involved with work. I want to blame the wife for spending too much time with friends. 

I look for someone to blame then I feel a sens of pride and irritation come in. I feel irritated that God has me single. I feel prideful in thinking that difficult choices and the urge to call it quits would never enter into my thoughts as a married person. 

It's then I realize that I leave God all the time. I think that I know best and that I know what to do and ultimately I end more messed up than when I started. I am not sure why the one relationship that holds the promise that I will never be alone is the one that I forsake the most. Why I seek comfort in things that I know will not satisfy. Why I long for things that will never truly fulfill what I think I need. 

It is then that I remember that we all fall short. I am reminded that He is the one, in this relationship, who is all in and not me. That I am no better than the girl who is getting divorced, who is struggling with addictions, who is pregnant and considering abortion. I am in just as much in need of God's grace, love and forgiveness as they are. It is also then that I remember that no sin is outside the Cross. That nothing I can do will ever separate me from God's love.

It's with those reminders that I pray. For forgiveness. For wisdom. For love.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

Supporting Actress

For those that don't know me, I have a love/hate relationship with Hollywood. I am very critical of many of the movies and television that I watch. While I never really stop watching the ones I am most critical of, I do sit there and question the judegement calls made by characters as well as actors/actresses that portray the characters.

Today though, in my weekly Friday meeting, I was reminded of the part that I am to play in the grand story of life. It is a part that is not center stage or even a main role. It is a supporting role. One that I often times struggle with. I don't always live my life believing that my role is to support the One who bled on a cross forme. I don't believe that living my life so it allows Him to shine will ultimately bring me more satisfaction than if I were to take center stage and rewrite the story.

My role has not yet been well defined. Unlike a predictable movie, I have no idea what the future holds. I want so badly to be part of the story but am unhappy when my part is to wait patiently in a corner letting the True main Charater take the stage and shine brightly.

The thing is that supprting roles are often easier. They don't have to learn as many lines and what they do say reflects on the main character and point of the story.

My part in the story? To glorify God. It is the only thing that matters when it comes to playing my part. So whether it's eating pizza and watching television with my roommates so that we can become closer as sisters in Christ, uplifting my leaders in ministry and celebrating them when they have triumphs, or allowing myself to be open about what hurts and what needs to be broken by God so that I can be changed into more like Christ, my goal as the supporting actress stays the same.

It's all for Him.

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31

Police Officers

I thought I would write a "short" blog about the past month... or so.

But then I decided that since I make so many comments in real-life conversations, I would blog about some fun things that happened that will be finishing up this week!

Around August 7th, I was driving to a little town in the middle of no where called Fuquay. Fuquay is far. Like really far. No seriously it was an hour drive for me. So, because of this long car ride I needed to get gas.
Get gas. Check.
Get in car. Check.
Pull out of gas station. Check.
Get pulled over 2ish minutes later. Check.

I forgot the seatbelt. Sigh. Plus in addition to the citation, I get one for not having a valid NC drivers license.

But wait....

I AM A STUDENT!!!!

ack. So this Thursday at 7:45 in the morning I get to go stand in line at the courthouse to see if my fine can be reduced.

The day after I was at an interview. That day was one of the hottest of the summers (no seriously... fried egg anyone?) so being me, I left my window down.
In the middle of the interview, I saw a man reach into my car to steal my GPS. I repeat STEAL MY GPS!!!
So the mom, the 3 year old boy, their 3 legged dog (he lost a leg in a car accident) and I go running to meet the thief.  Thankfully I got my GPS back.

Finally, Sunday on my way to OBX, I got distracted and didn't notice was talking on the phone  anyway, i went over the speed limit. Yep, yours truly got a another ticket.

The state of North Carolina should use the 350ish dollars that I will be giving them to do something fun... like finish the construction on Glenwood sooner or expand Capitol and take down some traffic lights... or build a monument in my honor for stopping a GPS robbery.

Needless to say, I have had enough dealings with policemen to last the rest of my seminary career. Also, I have decided to move to a city with a subway system. Then all I would have to worry about is my wallet, germs, wierd people on the subway, having enough money to buy the tickets.....